Final.

Tonight I was lying in the grass staring up at the stars (who knew they had stars in England), watching the clouds as they moved through the sky... looking through the trees to the perfect crescent moon... no wonder you feel in love here.

No freaking wonder.

I did too.

I

Did

Too.

BLAH. times 4............ rough day. rougher night.... come back Soph.

"It's a big, bad dream, following your heart." -Plain White T's

"At times, lonely sneaks up on me, but I'm getting by." -Reba McEntire.

"Take my hand and breathe."-Private Practice

Elise Colwell is "taking a chance, that is one is different; that this could be all I've waited for..." ... Living it up while I've still got it to live. "Take my hand and BREATHE."

In the moments where it really is just you.... what do you do?

Fight the lonely? Embrace the pain?

Fight to make yourself feel better, even though you know it will be an hour in vain?

WHAT DO YOU DO?

I like being alone, but I don't like feeling alone.

Theres moments, right? Where you just feel like you look at life or look back on photos, and you have it together.............. looking at pics I see those, but I don't feel it; my belief has increased, my drive has improved.

And what I wouldn't settle for as less before, is now not even considered. I'm stepping up. I'm running away.

I'm a slow person; everything I do is slow........... so who's gonna run with me. It's not drastic, it's not huge; it's life. And it's time... and it's real.

Whos running with me??????????????

"You've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion, but are you brave enough to leave with me tonight????" -Dashboard.

If I stayed..................

.....................................

Too tight?

I'm realizing a lot.
Moments where life is coming at you all too fast. Moments that seem blurred because there is so much flying past your face... sometimes those are moments of clarity. Moments when you realize that what you want in and for your life is different than what the people who used to define you see in the future. Everything else becomes so crazy and blurred but you can finally see at least one thing clearly... maybe the one thing you were looking for the whole time.
Maybe the key to your travels.

I can do this anywhere.
Maybe it's time to let go...

I will find people to connect with and I will find people to love.
I can do that.

It's time to grow up. And sometimes that means letting go.

Merrhhhh...

Sometimes it feels really great to feel like you belong. Just to feel good. Even in a place you know is temporary. People come and go... I know that. But regardless, people making feel like you mean something; like you'll be missed.... sometimes that can mean everything... sometimes that can change your night. And sometimes that can change your life.
Let's be truthful- I left California hoping in a sick, twisted way, to be missed. I did. And I think I am. But here... no- I don't want to be missed here... part of me wishes I didn't affect anyone's life here since all too soon they'll have to go on without me, but the bigger part of me, the better part of me and the righter part of me knows that I met the people I did here for a reason. I know it's a short time, but life is short too. Make the most of what you have while you have it. And if that means taking chances, so be it. And if that means you don't have room to not be honest, so be it. And if that (if you're lucky) means that you met someone at exactly the right time in your life.... so be it.

I am blessed. I am thankful. I am alive. And I am scared. I don't want to leave. I am not done here. I want to come back, but so much will change here while I'm gone, which is so interesting since I'm so sure it hasn't since I've left.

Life will go on, but life is full of change.

I. Don't. Want. To. Leave.

I am not ready. I know I have 4 weeks and I know I'm gonna be packing a ton in in that time... but it's not enough; never enough. Same old story, new continent.

I believe in people; I have faith in people. And the people that move me, move me everyday. Damn me for meeting people I don't want to live without. AGAIN. And always...

I may leave, but I'm not done.

Packrats. Nesters.
One in the same.

One in a million.

Never broken.

Too strong of a spirit; of a will...

But what happens when WE give up??? When the all-faithfuls finally have enough?? Then what???

One is at the breaking point, another only steps behind....

One day at a time.

And time will tell... it always does.

More to come...

There's a line I can't seem to quite get a hold of. I know attacking someone you care about isn't the best way to get through to them, but when you finally feel able to be completely honest with them, all you want to do is shake them and wake them up and let them see what you see. You want them on your level. And I don't know what's okay to say and how far I can push and how much I can say the same things before it's all too much... for both of us. There must be a line.

Hooped.

I've realized... I can do this anywhere... this whole being thing, existing, rocking it, living. I can do it anywhere... and no matter where I choose I am going to be able to find people who make me better and make me stronger; people I'll connect with that will help me grow. People that I need.

I didn't really realize how lucky I am. Once again, I find myself in a place I knew would be temporary, and still, I have found people I don't want to live without, people I don't want to leave.
I am so lucky and so blessed. And I'm seriously thinking, if i keep this up, I'll have so many great friends in so many parts of the world... I really can travel and I really won't be alone no matter where I am.
I am too lucky for my own damn good.

How is it possible that I find someone who gets me and someone to connect with everywhere I go?? Blessed. Super blessed.

I don't want to go. I don't want to go back to a life of my other best friends. I haven't spent enough time here yet. There has to be more. I mean, there will be. I know there will be. Even here, in the time I have left, I know there will be... but it just never feels like enough... but that's good right? Something to come back for? I'm coming back anyway.

"Wherever you are, no matter how far... I'm gonna find my way to you."

Inevitable.

:)

Sometimes.

New motto for life- you just need to be a shitshow sometimes. Let it out and let yourself break down. Be embarrassing. Be crazy. Be unreasonable. Sometimes you just need to scream or cry or drink until you yak... until you can throw up the unsettling feelings inside you.

I was a baby last night. A whiny, annoying baby, incapable of making good choices or possibly even getting myself home. I just wanted to go home; I just wanted someone to take care of me; I just wanted to cry and I don't even know why. I could blame it on the estrogen... and I will, but there's something to be said for the fact that I became that person at all. Once I hit that point, I just snapped. And I was done. Literally couldn't hold myself up or together anymore.

As the memories start slowly filling themselves in, I seriously wonder how anyone could have dealt with me. I would have killed me.

I am so thankful I had my shitshow breakdown, fool of myself night around someone who looked after me. No excuses and no regrets. Embarrassment for sure and a definite debt to be repaid, but sometimes you just need one of those nights... and sometimes you don't even know it until it happens...

Oldies.

Shower epiphany #2:

I'm starting to think that maybe these songs and stories and movie scripts and books that are written... we don't know when we write them that they're going to affect someone. We don't know that they are going to change a life or perfectly describe some aspect of someone's life; we just write it out. We just write what we're feeling. Sometimes the result is a true account of our lives or feelings at the moment and sometimes it's just inspired from our lives, but regardless, we write it out because that's what we do. I never would have guessed that my own written words would have come so full circle to even make wonderful sense in my own life.

I can think of two songs I've written off the top of my head that would describe either occurrences and/or realizations in my own life or the life of a friend. Pulling some stuff out the archives, I offer examples:

"No good reason for me to be depressed. Look at all I've got, yeah I know that I'm so blessed. So why is my heart a little greyer today? Acting like everything's fine, I shake it off and say, 'You know it must be from a bad night's sleep,' knowing it's because of that stupid boy taking over my dreams. I say, 'all I need is time, my friend, and I'll be just fine,' knowing so well that I'm such a mess inside. Oh how it starts to burn, when you're living off these lies.

Not everything in love has to go as planned and you know that now. Yeah you know somehow that you're right on this time. He is the one- that you're sending this rhyme out to. And you just look at him and say, 'You know that it's always been you.'

Let it be me-Let me be the one who makes the sun rise.

It can be me-I'll do anything just to see you one more time.

And you're praying on the inside, and crying on the out,

Knowing in your heart, without a single doubt that it's always been you... who was there for me. And it's always been you, who helped me up to my feet. You know it's always been and it will always be you... just you and me."

I would like to point out that I wrote that when I was like 12-ish, maybe 13 or 14... and now it's kinda coming back to be relevant in lives of people I'm close to. REdiculous.

And much more recently, a song only inspired by my life seemingly ringing true... who would have thought?

I was so stupid, so incredibly naive,

What in the world ever caused me to believe:

That this one was different,

And it’s okay you made me cry??

Still had to tell you what I was killing me inside.

So I’m writing you a letter I know I’ll never send

Writing you the same words again and again:

I love you baby,

Why’d you have to go?

What did I do to make you leave me all alone?

We were the envy of all of our friends,

Thought we’d get married, be happy in the end.

But you left and started living

A life without me,

All you had to do was say the word, and I would've set you free.

Now I’m writing you a letter I’m never gonna send

Writing you the same words again and again:

I love you baby,

Why’d you have to go?

What did I do to make you leave me all alone?

You were chasing bigger dreams than this place would allow,

Guess you needed to get out, well it’s my turn now.

Maybe I’ll see you

Down the road someday

Maybe if I’m lucky, this’ll make sense someday. / (Maybe by then, you’ll see your mistake)

But I’m done writing letters I’m never gonna send

Done writing you the same words over and over and over again.

But I still love you baby,

Don’t know why you had to go.

Don’t you see I’m scared to death of being on my own?

It’s the thought of life without you; how my world is gonna change.

It’s all the what-if’s, all the promises we’ll break.

It’s the fear that I feel

When I look to the sky

Knowing you’re not with me and wondering...

I’m still wondering why.

You promised me forever,

You swore I’d be a part of your life,

But here we are, baby, worlds away

And now there’s nothing left between us but time

Nothing left to say but goodbye

Bye bye baby, goodbye.

So maybe I'm making headway on this whole- is it real? Has it ever been? Will it ever be thing? .... I forgot about inspiration... sometimes we feel what we feel to get to someone else; to put into words what they didn't even know they were feeling... sometimes we even do that for ourselves...

Hmm... always more to think about.

Ra-han-dom...

The downfall of having a shower down the hall: you forget all the brilliance by the time you get back to your room after your shower…. Gonna try anyway.

Rereading Romeo and Juliet for seminar prep for Thursday--

Was it love or was it madness??

I think its true that all love is madness. Without getting into the attempts to define things that are undefinable i.e. love, I think that being willing and actually changing your world and your life for someone or something… that’s crazy; that’s madness.

All love is madness, but not all madness is love.

So were these just two horny kids, in the peak of their rebellious state? This would seem logical until the part where they decide that death is their best option… or were they really just in too deep and are a prime example of taking “go big or go home” to the ultimate level?

I’m a realist, but I’m also a hopeless romantic, and yes, sometimes it's hard to be both, but like any other piece or art or work, or anything at all in this world, this piece is up for personal interpretation… personally- I think it was love, maybe fueled by hormones and passion and lust, but at the end of the day, if all you have in your life is one person and you would willingly take your life rather than live without them… I don’t care if some people call that madness or desperation, I call it crazy and devotion and love.

This somehow led to brainstorming paper topics--

LOVE—

Love as a commodity. It has been processed and reprocessed and adjusted to fit every situation and circumstance imaginable.

So what of my own consumption of books, media, movies, etc… what about my consumption of love stories??

They dictate my life, but in their reproduction, was there ever an authenticity? And if there was, does it get lost through reproduction, like Barthes suggested with art and aura and status?

Were they once true? Did people really fall in love in these majestic magical, breathtaking ways? Or was this just the tale of some sad housewife wishing for what she had never had as she tucked her children in to sleep at night?

And does it matter? Aren't we soo deep in this fallacy that this type of sweep-you-off-your-feet love exists that it wouldn’t matter if there was documentation found somehow that all these famous love stories were fiction. It wouldn’t even matter to a lot of people, albeit mostly women.

----

ADDITION—10/26/09

What about my own love story? When I had/have the guy… the one throwing rocks at my window, saying super cute things, I blow it off as too cliché and therefore not real. It must be fabricated because things like that don’t happen in real life. Am I being stupid? Am I seriously wanting everything in these books and movies to happen and then rejecting them as insincere when they do???

What kind of girl gets rid of the guy who leaves a hand-dyed home-grown blue rose on her car in the morning before school??

A jaded one.

The stories and knowing how reproduced and unrealistic and unlikely they are to happen/be real… that knowledge is making me reject my chance to be the exception and actually have a guy do those things for me. It’s like my intelligence and study of these fabrications and depictions of love through the eye of the media is not enabling me to live a life that accepts these grand gestures as pure.

Maybe this is good- a safety net so my heart won’t break.

But what if these guys are doing these things because they think they’re supposed to; because that’s the way you’re supposed to let the girl know that she’s all you want and that you love her.

They do it because it’s in the books and movies; I reject it because it’s in the books and movies and those have lost their authenticity… when in reality, their authenticity is being reproduced and recreated right in front of me… if only I would let it be.

Taking cues from the media-

But the media isn’t real life… how do we know what is imitation because they think they’re supposed to do it because guys on tv do, or imitation because they think that’s how girls expect love to be expressed??

Blah.

----

Then jumped to comment my sister made on my facebook status--

Best friends-

I used to not believe in putting titles on things-

It's not that I like using someone else’s predefined definition of things to supposedly neatly fit exactly into my life, I still don’t, but now, it just doesn’t seem to be as big of a deal.

Some may call it maturity, but I’m just lazy.

Is that it then? It’s not that we stop believing in the things we used to fight for and strike for and rally for when we were younger, it’s just that as we get older, we just don’t have the energy anymore?

We’d rather use our energy for things that society deems worthy i.e. things that will make us money. Are we really that jaded?

Is it an economic decision, simply inevitable, or are we confusing maturity with lazy?

Loooonnnngggg Daaayyy

Summary of the longest day ever (not really, but it was a lengthy little one):

~Wake up at 5:17. You must be kidding me.

~Go outside; almost get eaten by a fox/potentially saved a bunny's life.

~Make it to the train station- fail at buying a ticket with my card at the machine (cards are different here I guess) BUT end up saving money thanks to the nice conductor man.

~Try to sleep while listening to annoying fat British boys yell about whatever game they were playing on their DS's

~Get to London- prove to be an idiot by putting the wrong ticket through the machine and trying to walk through anyway.

~Ride the TUBE!!!!!

~Make it to the buses exactly on time... still no coffee.

~Sleep most of the way into the NOTHINGNESS that surrounds Stonehenge.

~Get off the coach and into the rain that the wind always found a way to blow right on to you.

~Ignore the guided tour of Stonehenge. Take 3-4 pictures. Go get food/coffee. (AMAZING Almond Slice cake thing by the way)

~Get back on the coach... finish coffee... fall completely in love with the British countryside and rolling hills and OMG the GREEN!!!!

~Get off the coach in Chippenham (pronounced Chip-in-em... but said with a British accent and all fast and squished together)

~Eat cheesy fries and chicken nuggets at a place called JAX... where I overheard two old ladies talking in the bathroom about how befuddled and bewildered they are by the thought of flavored condoms (that were being sold in the restroom)

~Go to Lacock Abbey. Almost die from the beauty.

~Think really really long and hard about trying to go touch a sheep.

~Took 100 pictures of the nature (and baby waterfall I found!!) and the cute little town.

~Get back on the coach and try to sleep... which is code for pass out for an hour, waking up every time your head does the bob... and feels like it's about to fall off.

~Get back to London. Take the tube, get on the train, switch trains.

~Fight off hunger pains.

~Find out that Falmer Bar is closed... bye bye dinner plans.

~Make it home. Shower immediately. Make breakfast for dinner- again.

Present:

~Write this blog.

~Avoid the presentation I have to put together by Monday.

~Get super stoked about starting a new book :)

The end.

Blah.

I am not heartbroken anymore. I am not tortured by some guy... sure I have my moments and I certainly have my memories, but I am over it all and fully ready to move on.

So why am I the new face of emo lately??

I think it's because I want a relationship and in a sick, twisted way, I want the ability to be that heartbroken.

I haven't been in a real relationship since high school and yes I know I'm young and still have time and all that, but I need to be with someone. I've been alone for way too long.

And I actually and truthfully don't care anymore... about what other people are doing, who other people are doing, etc. I just know that that's not what I want. As much as I want it. It isn't what I actually want.

I want love.
I want the chance have my core shaken.

I want my life changed.

I want a chance. And I want something real.

It's time for something legit.

There.

I finally know what I want.

And that's not to say I won't take whatever opportunities come along, but at the end of the day, I'm not looking for a hookup. I'm looking for legit.

Now the big question is how and will I ever find/get it...

To be continued...

BIG FUCKING SIGH

It's not about how many beers you have or how many nights you spend out with the girls: you still miss him.

So what is the remedy??

God- if I only knew.

I drank my emotions tonight, hoping that I'd find a moment of solace, a moment, just a second to forget, but I never did. I never do.

There is a special part of your heart that you give away that is irreplaceable, unforgivable, and irreconcilable. Once you give it- it's over.

That part of you is forever gone.

So think about your own life...

How many times how you truly given yourself???

For me it was twice. It was... it IS painful. It will never stop hurting; I'm a firm believer in that. But at the end of the day... we took the chance, we made the leap, we accepted and created love. And that should, at the end of the day, replace heartache.

But it doesn't.

I know that.

What fixes the hurt that we've brought on ourselves?? What can mend our souls; our hearts? What can give us back all that we've given??

Maybe the answer is nothing- maybe we really do have to suck it up and move on. But maybe in there- in the tragedy that we create for ourselves... maybe we find something; anything to pull us through.

I am here. I am waiting. Waiting for my life to change; waiting for anything that will change my mind and more importantly, change my heart.

I'm not so sure that any such thing exists...

How many times do you need to be rejected to figure out that you're not what guys want?

I don't even know the count- I just know that I'm done- that I'm over it.

That as much as I desperately need the physical; I honestly need the emotional more.

"I want you to want me." -Cheap Trick

Maybe they had it right all along...

What else is there to want??

To be loved- oh to be loved is beautiful, but to be IN LOVE... that is something that NOTHING can replace- nothing can erase; not time, not new love, not anything.

AND THAT'S WHAT HURTS. THAT IS WHAT YOU CAN'T SHAKE. THAT IS WHAT YOU'LL BE LOOKING FOR FOR ALWAYS.

NEVER ENOUGH.

NEVER.

EVER.

ENOUGH.

I'm not okay-I haven't been this fucked up since I had my heart shattered... but now it's different- now I can't blow it off - now it's me.

I can't shake that- but maybe I can change it.

There has to be; there MUST be some reason to keep me here; to keep me living...

There HAS to be love- otherwise, what's the point??

All there is for me is love; and my version of love is unrealistic... so what now???

My question honestly is: What fucking now?

Everything or nothing.

It's one or the other.

The Constant Battles Of Being A 20-Something Female.

Here's what I got:

Eventually we have to realize that it isn't us. We all need to process and accept and so fully believe that no matter how great a guy was and how perfect a relationship may have been... if he can't see the amazing that we are and have that be worth fighting for no matter what... then it's not us that aren't enough; it's him.

And eventually those places that you can't go to again or the places that make you cry as you walk by them... eventually those places will harbor memories that sometimes make you smile. Sometimes. But those times will come and when they do, you'll remember the good. You'll remember why it was worth it to you in the first place; why it meant anything at all. And then sometimes you remember the pain and try to convince yourself all over again that you're better off and that it's his loss. And it really is his loss. And you may feel like you will never find another love like that... but if that's true for you and for the great women out there, it's ten times more true for him. Truth: we're the catch. I think you have to believe that about yourself. Otherwise, what's the point?

Eventually there will be days when you don't think about him at all. The worst part about those days is you can't celebrate not thinking about him without thinking about him and then you're back to square one. I think the vital thing is when you stop wanting to celebrate forgetting to think of him for a day, a week... that's when you're actually moving on.

The trick to this whole thing is somehow convincing yourself that you are enough. That you are amazing and worthy of love and that it's not your fault that some guy who seemed SOOO amazing at the time couldn't see that or didn't want to fight for that or gave up on that. Trying to tell yourself that while drowning in your own self-doubt and swimming through emotional baggage is hell. Sometimes people will tell you that all you need to do is meet someone who will make you feel worthy and loved for exactly who you are.

And of course you'll be hesitant because that's what happened last time. But this person could be anyone; it doesn't have to be your next great love. Regardless, they're still gonna be hard to believe.

Personally, I've been searching for that person for as long as I can remember. The one person who gets me and who has my back NO. MATTER. WHAT. No questions. Obviously this takes a while to build up to; that trust; that faith; that concrete love.

So I decided to be that person for myself.

I figured I might as well work on the one relationship I can actually control. And I learned to like myself and even love certain parts of me. And as alienating and potentially unhealthy as it is, I'm learning to live for me. And it feels incredible at times and unbelievably lonely at times. But at the end of the day, I know I'm always going to be here and I know that I, if no one else, will love me exactly the way I am (not to mention get all my jokes and accept my shortcomings).

This has gotten far more complex and obscure than I intended. But I think the point remains simple:

Love yourself.

Forgive yourself.

Take a step back and look at the situation- realize that it's not all your fault.

If there's no one else in the world; work on you.

Once you love you, it will be sooo much easier for other people to love you.

And if you're going through hell, keep going, keep fighting.

It does get easier.

Feel worth it.

Believe that you are worth it.

Because you are. No matter how many people try to make you think or make you feel differently. You HAVE to believe in yourself enough to know that you will make it through this and you will find someone to whom you won't be just enough... you'll be far more than enough.

You'll be everything.

Sussex: A Romance.

I decided that Sussex is a beautiful place to be in love. It's so damn picturesque here. Right now, with the fall leaves dotting the green grass that consumes most of campus and with benches everywhere and spots under the trees... it's every novel ever written and it's amazing. And on days like today, where it's still chilly enough to cuddle and be close to someone, but the sun keeps peeking out and reminding you that it's not quite winter yet. It screams romance. And to be there. To be here.... wow.

I could think of a million dates just on this campus... and if not dates, places to go; places to be together. Days like today make me sooo envious, but also soo hopeful. Could you imagine being in love here? Having someone to be in your book with you? To share those moments... up in the Downs mocking the cows... sitting on that bench under the trees, watching the leaves fall and the students hustle to and from class... grabbing coffee... walking through the woods... going to the beach for an afternoon on the rocks... watching the sun set and turning into an ice cube. But it would be okay because there would be someone there to hold you and to warm you... and if not physically, then in your heart. They would warm your heart. And you would be the cliché. For once, you would be the lucky one who had the right person in the right place to be the cliché; to be THE moment... to be the envied.

Yes. Sussex would be a great place to be in love.

And a horrible place to be heartbroken and/or lonely.

Or even worse- to have been in love here and now to not be... to see all the places that I, who have never been in love anywhere, let alone here, am moved by, but to have the memories that go along with my fantasies... that would be hell.

It's a double-edged sword... but too beautiful to leave you feeling pessimistic.

Optimism hits you out of nowhere... like a chance appearance by the sun.

Blurry lines.

I have a tendency to blame myself. For everything. For things I know I have or had zero control over. I feel like women do this waaayyy more than men. We are always the ones saying, "oh I should have known better" and "I should have seen this coming" but we don't. We never do. Unless you have the gift of prophecy, you're just as screwed as the next girl. But here's the thing... what if we did know?

What if we were smart and in tune enough to see the signs right off the bat and know that this is guy is a douche, or this will be a 6 month relationship and will end mutually, or even- this will be a great love for a long time, but then leave me devastated and heartbroken for almost as long. What would we do?

If you knew the ending, would you jump anyway? There is a point where we would all say, you know, it was worth it: all the great times, the life-altering moments, the breathtaking memories of times when you felt the best and most alive in an almost indescribable way. There is a point where we would still want all of the great times, knowing that heartache was coming. But how far would you go? Knowing how it's gonna hurt. There must be a balance between how much the good is worth and how much we can handle the bad. Everyone has a limit, everyone has a line where the pain isn't worth it anymore, no matter how amazing things might have been.

So the question really is: is it better to love and lose, or never know that love at all?

Everyone has a line. Where's yours?

Distance

Distance is a funny thing.

Sometimes being far away makes you think you'll be free, and you want the distance so badly, until you get it... and you really are that far away.

Sometimes the distance plays tricks on you. You think it will be an escape, but you just end up talking more often to the people you wanted to get away from because you aren't there to occasionally run into them or say hey.

And then there's the people you don't like to be far away from; the ones you wouldn't mind talking to every day while you're away... those are the people you're close to. Distance disregarded. But these are the people you actually feel far away from. These are the people you want to swap with the other people who you were running from in the first place.

But these people you want to talk to and be close to... they don't want to talk to you. They don't miss you. And that makes you want to run from them too.

Pretty soon, you're sprinting from everyone and everything, trying to get just lost enough that you'll have to think about where you are instead of how far away you are and how alone you feel now that you feel the distance.

There is something crazy about distance. Because you really can be next to someone and miss them, because their heart is far away. Or you can be half a world away and feel close to someone because of a phone call or a letter or some interaction that makes you think of them; makes you feel like they're there with you.

Distance is a bitch. It would be much better if you could choose who you felt the distance with... but I guess you can. Leaving, actually physically distancing yourself, is just step one. To actually distance yourself is different, it's deeper, it hurts way more. It's like falling out of love. Admitting that what was once there no longer is... having to step back, realize that, and then let go. It's a bitch. And I don't think I'm ever going to be ready to do it. I think I may seriously need to cut myself off. I may need some honest decompression time. Some alone time to really reflect on the shitshow my life has been... maybe I can sit with myself long enough to figure something out. Something deep. Something profound. Something actually real. Something helpful. Something that will make me better.

Rain.

I just remembered what it feels like to kiss in the rain. I wish it was for a good reason, like I just kissed someone in the rain... it's not. lol. Regardless, I remembered. It was a great moment to remember; a wonderful flashback to have.

And honestly, there's something majestic and beautiful about the rain. Something completely undeniable.

I think I love the rain because it's so rare in CA, so it's something to be appreciated and cherished. I always think of it as a fresh start; like the rain washes everything away.

Putting that in the context of England weather is actually pretty cool and a good motto for my time here.

It rains almost everyday. Er go, it would seem, that everyday is a fresh start. And that's cheesy and cliche and all that, but at the same time, it's true, and it's how I want to look at things.

I went on a walkabout yesterday... up through the hills. It was sunny and glorious. The best part was that everything was fresh. It was that day after the rain feeling and everything was still damp but renewed...

I totally felt like I was in the middle of Beauty and the Beast... you know, before she gets captured...

My Beauty and the Beast moment... :)

The point is it was amazing. Being out there in the gorgeous green rolling hills and the tunnel of trees... it was amazing. This was the moment I fell in love with England. It may not look like that great of a photo... but this was the moment. And I loved it.

More pictures on facebook will be up shortly, but these 3 were my favorites I think :)

Don't mock my dreams.

There is nothing else.

There is no light.

There is no magic; no day of reckoning.

There is nothing we don't create.

And we create for ourselves.

I have created change.
I have created opportunity.

And I am proud.

I am thankful.

I am the same.

There has been no shift.

Maybe I don't want there to be.

Maybe I'm just not being bold enough; maybe I'm copping out.

The question once again is: what do I want?

If I knew the answer I might not be here... I might be anyway...

I don't know what I want. I don't know what I want out of this trip, I don't know what I want out of life....

Oh shit. Maybe I do.

I don't want to be lonely anymore.

I think that's it. I think that's all there is to life.

As much as I like being alone and on my own... I don't want to be lonely.

I want someone to have, to hold, to be with. I want security and strength and faith. I want it now. I want it always... not necessarily with the same person... but I want it.

And so a choice needs to be made. I am convinced, that if I made the choice to be a slut here, I could be. Guys want sex everywhere... but if I make the choice that I don't want just that... I put myself out there and I open myself up to hurt. Clearly not the best option for the time... but can I do anything else?? I don't know... I guess I should find out, eh?

"You have your reasons, Lord, I have mine..." -Augustana

I do have my reasons, but the passion behind them is fading... I need to stop getting comfortable. I need to go out. I need to get out.

...

But I did.

I ran away.

I hope it was enough.

But let's be honest... half way around the world isn't far enough to run away from everything. The past follows you. It haunts you. You need it. And the faster you run, the harder you crash into it.

It's time to own up.

It's time to step up.

It's time to be .... anything but what I am.

"Yeah I know that everyone gets scared, but I'll become what I can't be" -OneRepublic

I'll become what I can't be.

I can't be.

I won't be.

Strongbow Tuesday

Next time I'm in Europe, I won't be studying... I want to be in an Ernest Hemingway novel. I want to go where his characters went; see the running of the bulls. Live it. Love it. Be insane.

But this time. I'm debating. I had a great night in. That may seem lame and uneventful. But given the choice, I think I made the right one. I love the crew. Flat 9 is amazing. But more than that; I'm seriously beginning to learn... there is no epiphany. There is no light. There is no sign. There is me. There is who I am. There is what I want.

I am who I am. I am what I am. I can't reverse the last 20 years, nor do I want to. But the point is; my personality isn't going to change. Sure I may be a bit bolder, a bit more confident, but at the end of the day, I'm still going to be the same old me. And as much as that sucks, it's also quite conforting... knowing I can be who I am anywhere. And do what I like with people who like the same things... I love my life. I love England. I love San Diego.

And I hope one day soon, I will fully love me and the choices I've made...

Ooohhh I feel it coming.

One way or the other...

its going down.

Soon.

Get ready.

I'm not.

Someday soon... -Ella Fitzgerald.

Ever have one of those moments when you feel like you're 5 years old again and your biggest concern is whose team you'll be on at recess... and then there are those times when you feel way older than you are. Like you're so incredibly over and above the situation that it's not even fun to pretend.

Tonight was a night of diversity. A night of jealousy. Of outtakes. Of drinking. Of celebrating. Of dancing. Of awkwardness. Of learning. Of understanding. Of friendship.

Tonight was a lot of things.

Tonight is over. Part of me is glad... part of me wanted to extend it... just a bit... just enough to the point that I'd be too tired to go home... Soon. Someday soon.
Some day.
Some.
Day.

Too Soon To Tell...

So England.



About that...



It's too soon to make statements and too rash to have revelations... nevertheless... maybe I'm starting to get it.



So far this has been nothing that I expected and everything I could have needed. I don't think this trip, this part of my life, is going to be earth-shattering and ground-breaking. Maybe I won't have epic stories that I tell for the rest of my life about the moment it all became clear, the moment I found whatever it may be in England, or the time I experienced this or that... maybe what I'm slowly starting to realize is that I'm not here to change who I am. I may not be here, or ever be anywhere for that matter, that is going to transform who I am.

Maybe I'm bolder here. But that isn't the place changing me, it's me making the decision to just do it.



I know that who I am right now isn't enough for me for the rest of forever, but honestly, the base, the fundamental person that I am is. I know who I am. Enough anyway. I have my reasons, I have my prinicples and I don't want to become a different person, I just want to be the version of me that I need to be...



Cheesy as it may be, I really think that's obtainable... and maybe even happening already.



I want to be bold enough to speak up, to take chances, to ask questions, and to discover (within myself and otherwise) the right questions to ask. I want to learn. That's why I'm here.

Learn about "Theory, Taste, and Trash" and "Consuming Passions" apparently, but also and mostly about myself and how I fit into the world.

This is jumbled and very inconcise. Grr...

Oy...

Honestly. Do you know what your fate is?

I don't.

Am I trying to shake it?

Maybe.
Maybe I'm so afraid of what it could be, that I'd just rather not find out at all.

Maybe not.



I like to believe the latter, but I can be honest with myself; I am scared to death of what may or may not be in my future.

I guess this is where faith comes in.



Oh faith.



Brief anecdote:

Went to Venice today, was finding coins for the pay machine... every time I reached in for a coin, I grabbed my faith charm. Coincidence?? I think not. I was with my best friend, who is the first person to actually make me think this whole faith thing is worth something.



I've been trying. For a few years now... when did I start wearing that bracelet? Senior year? Well ever since then, I've been trying. I been looking; I've been open to faith. And what? Where am I now?

Farther.

Better.

Stronger.

Wiser.



I may not be a full-blown believer... in anything. But truthfully, I'm ready for it. Whatever it may be. Haha. LIES. I'm ready for nothing. I'm scared. But I'm fearless.



I have faith. Enough at least. Enough to know--enough to believe that this is gonna be great. This is gonna be monumental. And, perhaps most importantly to my fragile ego, I have faith that when I come back, the people I love will still be here. The people I need will still be there for me. The people that make me who I am are going to be removed from my life for 3 months... but I know; I have to believe that they will be here, ready to embrace whoever I turn out to be after the next 3 months.

Oh lord.

It's coming.



It's here.



And I feel alone.


"There's something 'bout the way the street looks when it's just rained" -Taylor Swift

"I need a sign, to let me know you're here" -Train



Here I am. Ready-ish. Waiting. Praying for a sign. Needing, so unbelievably needing something to tell me this is right. If you're reading this, please, tell me this is right.

Right.
Wrong.
Left.

Misdirection is often the key to finding exactly what you didn't know you were looking for and so desperately waiting for. God lead me. God save me. And in the absence of God, I reach for my friends. I reach for the bests. I reach for them anyway; I reach, I grasp, I throw my arms out in vain, hoping to grab hold of something... anything.


BUT I feel good. I feel great. I feel ready. I want this. I want this more than I've wanted anything in recent past. And I'll get it. Cuz that's who I am. And that's what I do. I win. I fight. I get what I want.

And I accept nothing less.

But I want more. I need more than nothing less. I want everything. I want to be held, I want to be wanted, I need to be loved.

Thank you God, honestly, for my family; even more for my friends. They are my world. They are my reasons. They are my everything. And I will need them forever.

Love, so much love overflows my heart for them. And there is nothing else. I have nothing else. I am nothing without them.

But with them... I am everything; I could be anything. And I will be.
SSSOOOOO much love.

So so so much. I will miss you; but you will be in my heart. Forever and most certainly for always.

8 and counting...

So much on my mind and so little to write.



Kayne is a douche-sicle. Beyonce is an angel. T Swift... is T Swift. Enough of current Hollywood drama events.













So if this is my immeidate future: watching old movies like Steel Magnolias and drinking wine on the weekends... shoot me. If it takes a couple decades to get back here... be jealous.





Honestly- I can't get enough, I can't feel enough, I can't breathe deep enough to soak it all in. How do you revel in the moment? There's only so much you can do.



I don't want painful goodbyes. I want a hug.

"I can't hug you on the phone so hurry home." -Jason Michael Carroll

I want a hug; I want the comfort while I can get it. And I want to be missed; not in a sad way, but in a glorious, man, she is a joy to have in my everyday life way.

Maybe it's too much to ask.

Maybe it's just enough.



Everything in moderation.

But where's the line?



I want. That's all I am. Ever. Wanting.

And wanting in both the modern and the old English sense. I am wanting; I am desiring. But I am also lacking. I am lacking the love that I so desperately long for. I am ready now. Ready for the adventure. I am ready to be pushed; to be tested. I am ready to jump and I am ready to fall.



I am fearless. No. Not yet. I am trying to be. I have a daily reminder now. I look at and I don't think of fearless... I think of redness. I think of itch. I think of how it's going to look once it's healed. And sometimes I think of Taylor Swift's definition of fearless... and why I can't memorize it. It's close. It's so close to how I would define it... maybe that's why. It's not mine.



And now it's 2am and I can't think. I can't focus and I feel like trash, like I have for days. Maybe it's the hour; maybe it's the wine. Maybe it's that I can't figure out what's bothering me.

It should be easy; hello I'm leaving for 3 months. But no, I'm not freaked out... not really. I'm more excited; more ready to run away. At least more apt to run than to deal. Who's the hypocrite now?



It's not supposed to be easy or obvious or inevitable. It's a battle. And at 20, all I can say is that I'm thankful that I'm young enough and strong enough to fight. I know life isn't supposed to be laid out all yellow brick road in front of me. I know that it's about finding the right mountain to stare down and eventually climb. I get that. It doesn't make me more patient. It doesn't help me out when I feel worthless and alone. But it gives me insight and it gives me hope. I know there's something to live for; to strive for.

Enough.
Will I ever find it...
I freaking hope not.

But enough for now... too much chaos to process. Standard.

The Tatt

I did it!!!! This is the first shot after I took off the wrapping... in Kylie's bathroom... lol

Once I got home... swollen and gross, but looks gooooddd!! I'm so happy with it!

More pictures to come...

The Night Before Life Goes On...

It's tonight... which is, as always, the night before tomorrow... but tonight is the last night before things start to change...

Obviously this is not the night before I leave or the night before anything truly significant... but it is my last night in San Francisco, my last night seeing my sister and Steve and Vina until Christmas, the night before I get a tattoo, and the last night until things really start rolling on England.

Tomorrow I am choosing to get a tattoo, a permanent mark and a permanent reminder to live my life the way I want to live it. It's going to be there, forever and always, in moments of courage and bold moves as well as in moments of fear and uncertainty. It will make me think, every time I see it, to live with purpose, to live in spite of things that are scary or uncertain or bad at the time... to actually LIVE.

It's time.

This is the first step.

And after this, I have two weeks. Two more weeks to pack and prepare myself for the change I am begging for; to create the change I need. Two weeks to live the life I have lived thus far... and two weeks to think about, accept, and celebrate the fact that things will never be the same.

In the next 3 months, we will all change, but this time it will be different. This time, we will be in completely different atmospheres, completely different worlds. I know how much people can change between going away to school and Christmas, believe me I do... it's just this time, we may end up very different after these three months.

This is when we grow apart. This is when my life experiences and life outlook becomes bigger than yours. This is when I'll see the world and you'll see a more intense version of what you already know.
Can we come back from that? Will we both want to?

I will not totally become a different person, I know that, but there will be a difference, Lord please let there be a difference. And let that difference open my eyes and my heart and enhance my friendships rather than hinder them.

Tomorrow it starts. Tomorrow my decisions finally change my life. Tomorrow my life will actually be my own and finally in my own hands... and completely crazy and out of control.
Tomorrow I will not be afraid of the choices I make and the changes that are coming. I will not regret my actions and choices in life because I will know, without doubt, that at one point in my life, it was exactly what I wanted. There is no shame or fear in that. Tomorrow, I become fearless.

Ατρόμητη

Story of my life.

I'm not too sure... about ...
anything.
Anymore?
Again?
Always?

Story of my life right?? Never sure, nothing EVER for certain, nothing ever comfortable for long. I hate it, but its typical... story of my life. While that seems to be my newest catch-phrase, it makes me seriously consider the story of my life.
This is way too intense of a topic for my mindset right now, but to chip away briefly:
The point of life is the story of life. All I want is to write my story, to play it out in front of myself in a beautifully written novel, broken down by chapters of my life that build up like any good story does, begging the reader to turn page after page, desperate to know the ending.
I am the writer.
But I am also the reader.
I am the desperate one. I am the one who NEEDS to know. I'm the one who wants to flip to the final page in my own story to find out if there's a happily-ever-after waiting for me or not. I need to know that there's something worth living for... something worth going through all this "growing up" crap for... I want to know if any of it's real... or if it really is all just a story... and if everyone else is content in their real lives because... what? they have lower standards than me... or maybe they just don't expect to be the lead in a bestselling book.... I don't know. And that kills me. I know that this is the whole point of the book... these are the building chapters... blah blah blah. But honestly, as the writer, I should be able to dictate the ending... and I can't.
I feel like all of it is not in my control... I feel like part of my ending has already been established by the acts of the first 20 years of my existence.
But I'm not sure- story of my life.

Nothing is concrete.

I have been trying, of late, to find the beauty in that; the opportunities that this simple statement harbors. Nothing is concrete, yet somethings are forever. But there is change. There must be change.

There are a few things of which I am certain:
Change is imminent.
I am a distinct brand of crazy.
There are a select few people in my life that will be constants, not concrete, but constants, changing with me, albeit inevitably in different ways, for the rest of time.
Most things are not that serious.
Ambiguity is essential.

I am uncertain about the rest. I don't know about love, I don't know about friendship, I don't know about social aspects of life. I don't know if there's a point, I don't know about trust, I don't know about education, I don't know who makes the rules, I don't know who "they" are, or how they got so powerful. I don't know why power dominates the world, I don't know anything about people, I don't know about music or art or athletes. I don't know about religion or saints or gods. I don't know anything about this world except that it exists... which is an ambiguous enough statement to mean a variety of things.
I don't know about words, I don't know about feelings or meaning or expression. I don't know about excuses or lies or the human brain. I don't know anything about anything.

But I know enough. I know enough to know that there HAS to be a reason. Some kind of love must exist. Maybe I've wasted my heart, maybe I really have outsmarted fate and thereby fucked myself over... maybe.

I'm not too sure about my future- given.
But I'm not even too sure about my past.
I don't know too much about the present either.

I'm not too sure I want a tattoo, I'm not too sure I want to go abroad, I'm not too sure I'm gonna be okay, I'm not too sure that my friends will be here when I get back... no not so much that... I'm not too sure we're going to click like we do now. I'm not too sure I'll find what I'm looking for and I don't know if I'll actually grow and change like I want to. I'm not sure if I'll ever grow up enough to grow out of this selfishness and give myself to anyone... unpack that sentence if you dare.

I know that no one is sure, and again, that's the point... but I need stability. I need a sign. I need to know that somehow this is right.
Because in this moment, I want to throw up... and cry... and I feel like I can't.... anything. Function, breathe, sleep, move, exist without people holding me up.
I don't want to be this way. It's time to break these dependencies, I know that, hell, I CHOSE this. I am willingly subjecting myself to banishment from Neverland... I am forcing myself to take a step toward growing up...

20 is too young to give up. Give up hope, give up on life, love, happiness, my dreams. But there must be a balance. Finding a happy medium between living in the harsh realities of the real world and not letting go of childhood spirit and dreams must be possible... although I've never truly seen it done.... I've also never watched anyone but me grow up.

This is scattered and complicated and out of nowhere...

I'm not panicking... I'm not trying to back out... I'm just trying to understand what I feel and get some sort of grasp on why I felt so urgently the need to do these things and live this life a few months ago... when now, all I want to do is stay.

Side-note: Songs that have people begging other people to stay always get me. ...I don't want to have that happen... if they asked me to, I would always stay... my selfishness baffles me.....
But as of now it also defines me... God, in soo many ways. Name it and I could turn it back to me and my own interests, life, etc. Sometimes it's too much. Sometimes I need a break from me.

Heart of the Matter- I'm scared to go because what happens if I fail???
There is no one but me. There is no answer but me. And there is nothing but my selfishness rearing its ugly head and turning its back on me. This one's on me. This one is because of me. This one is all about me. And I am so afraid of that and the responsibility that that entails.

It sounds absurd, but it's like it's finally sinking in that this truly is my life and I can do whatever I want with it. While this is empowering and frightening, it's also an odd feeling to feel the need to test out the waters and ease your way into life again after living it for so long already.
It's all up to me. The choices I've made in my life can be counted on one hand... the actual, honest to God calls that I've had to make are few and were carefully thought out and considered and planned. I'm sick of living life safely like that, but at the same time, I can't be reckless in this new found existence that I'm finally realizing is actually my own.
I feel like that's why kids screw up at this point in life. They have no desire to find a balance between this freedom and responsibility of controlling your own life. Your 20s are to experiment and screw up and have one night stands with strangers right? But what if I don't want that? What if I don't know what I want??... oh wait, that's the story of my life also.

Disclaimer: I know I'm crazy.

God, that should be the title of my life... not the point....

So I was just facebook stalking and reading all the status updates and looking at all the pictures of all the awesome things my friends have been doing with their lives and I felt myself, not only feeling left out, but also feeling jealous. I slowly, after years of feeling this way and being almost angry at these friends for doing things without me, experiencing things without me... you know, living without me... haha... anyway, I finally figured out that it isn't that I'm mad or that I don't want my friends to have these fantastic adventures or epic moments, it's just that I wish I could be there. I wish we could do these amazing things together. And while I think it's great that we can live our own lives and have our own moments, I always wish they could be here when I'm having a blast, and I wonder if they feel the same. In the midst of these realizations, I started thinking about England... and I knew that I would miss everyone and I know I'm going to wish they were there with me... but it kinda sunk in a little bit today...
That's how all of England is going to be... it's my great adventure that only I can tell them. And I have to take care to remember to take pictures and tell stories with such intensity that they can feel some shred of how I felt when I was there. I want this to be my own adventure, yes, but it sucks that my best friends won't see it with me.
Which leads me to other idea... I seriously think there needs to be an epic week of adventure. Whether it's camping and hiking and jumping off rocks, or surfing and going to bars at night in some classic beach town... we need to start making memories together. Big memories. Memorable memories. There is still no other people I'd rather spend my time with and build my life around... it's time for a big adventure together. You know, besides this whole life thing...

"It's too late to keep from going crazy, I've got to get away" -Tim McGraw

Reading, finishing, and now finally processing The Time Traveler's Wife has transformed my way of thinking... at least for now. I'm thinking about having one person be such an anchor in your life and having to leave them anyway, even though they're the only stable thing in your existence. That leads to me think about why we leave at all. Why do we run? From bad, it's easier to understand: hope for a new beginning, hoping to forget. But leaving when things are good, leaving because you can, because it's a choice, a selfish choice... why does anyone do it? Why do we willingly subject ourselves to missing someone? We know it's coming, we know that goodbye is coming, we know it's gonna hurt, and we know that someone will cry, but we want it, we selfish beings welcome it. Maybe it's comforting to go away from what you have, knowing how great it will be to come back to. Maybe it's a truly selfish move, wanting the people you care about to miss you. Or maybe it's something else, something more. Maybe there's a reason we feel the need to get out, to leave, to experience. Maybe it's not leaving them, but finding you that is essential. Maybe that's why I'm leaving.
When I say maybe... I mean it is. I am leaving on a selfish quest to somehow find myself where I've never been. Seems counter intuitive to this, self-critical, self that controls my thoughts at the moment, but it still doesn't feel wrong. I have to go... that has been my constant. I need to leave. I need to be as physically lost and unaware of my surroundings as I am on the inside. Perhaps I will find some kind of harmony or solace in this lost-ness... or perhaps I will find something else, something more permanent. Maybe I'll find me. Or some version of myself that I like, some part of me that's been missing that I can bring back like a souvenir.

You are every reason.
Every reason in my life.
You are the reason I'm leaving,
You are the reason I want to stay.
You are what I fear losing.
You are what I fear finding.
You're the reason I go to sleep thinking that tomorrow has the potential to be glorious.
You're the reason I get up when the morning is not.
You are every moment.
You are every breath.
You are the reason I'm not satisfied with what I have.
You are the reason I have to go.
You are my past.
You are my future.
You are me.
And I am you.


Leaving isn't always running away is it? No, it can't be. Leaving is taking the next step and creating a future, a real life. Leaving is how you get to the places you need to be so you can bring back pieces of yourself and of sanity and create a home. For so long I've been homeless. How long will it be until my heart feels like it's home again?? Maybe it never will. Maybe you only have that innocence once, maybe you only have one shot at having your whole heart feel anything. Because once it breaks, it never goes together quite the same... though efforts from glue and tape and more conventional things like hugs, friends and ice cream seem to mend it for a while, it is always more prone to breaking once it has that first crack. The first cut may not always be the deepest, but it leaves the most devastating scar.

Why am I leaving?
It made me laugh when my family warned me not to go abroad and fall in love. I am in no way looking for love. I am far too young to be as jaded as I already am. I will not search for love again until I'm sure I could handle it if, God willing, I could actually find something resembling the crazy, idealized version of love I have created in my head. But no, the point of England is not to fall in love with some marvelously accented British boy, but if it is love I find, or seek, I pray that it is love within myself, renewed love for words, love for the countryside, or for warm beer. Romance has it's place, dear God, let romance have it's place in my life, but I am not looking for soulmates. Soulmates in any sense. But then again, I wasn't looking before.
The point: I am not going to fall in love. I am going to experience life. I am just looking for some fun. Some carefree, no one here knows me and no one back home will know anything but what I choose to tell them fun. Lord knows my life will not suddenly turn scandalous unless travelling across the Atlantic erases morals like an etch-a-sketch or something crazy like that. No, I won't be out of control, but as of now, I am choosing to let go of all control. The primary goal is to let go and to not care... as much as I don't care about things here, I want to be able to let go of the things that do eat me up. I want the freedom of not being responsible to anyone else's image of me, or even my own image of myself. I am going to be like Peter Pan... bear with me on this, it may be a bit of a stretch (everyone is going to Disneyland and I want to be there!)... when Peter finds his shadow and tries to glue it back on... I feel like I'm Peter and I'm looking for that other aspect of myself, when I find it, I'll have to try to glue us together and form some kind of a person, some kind of balanced person.
I guess that's what I'm looking for... balance. But balance within myself.

Haha. Let's be honest, I don't know what I'm looking for.

"Someday I'm gonna find it, wish I knew what I was looking for, inside the disarray." -Lifehouse. Word.

Shortttt

I just woke up, it's 11:11... usually I'd say make a wish. What do I wish for today? In light of waking up with nothing to do, and apparently that making me feel a little lonely and emo, I think I'd wish for no more disappointment. I'm tired of getting my hopes up, but here comes the difficult part: you can't live without hope. You have to get excited about things, you have to look forward to things, you have to put yourself, heart & soul, out there, you have to care. So while my urge to not care about anything and "live" life as a hermit is not nearly as strong as it has been in the past, I still hate the sting.

Write it out.

Do you know what it feels like to break a heart?
Have you ever heard one break?
When you don’t mean to, and all you’re trying to do is explain…
But all they hear is the shattering of their oh so fragile heart;
All they can hear is it break.
And you have to sit there... Watching it all.
You've said enough to know there's nothing else you can say.

Do you know what it feels like to watch the light go out of someone's eyes?
To see them lose their hope as they mumble something about goodbye...
And as their moments-ago best friend, you just want to hold them as they cry.
But you can't because you caused this, so you leave, eyes pathetically dry.

How low can you sink while feeling no regret?
This is when you find out.
You replay memories, moments you'll never forget.
But the smiles are gone. And you forgot what they were even about.
It didn't matter then.
But nothing really did,
Until there was nothing,
And that became the problem...

Have you ever watched a fire burn out?
Cause this one is long dead...
No more wondering, no more doubt,
We are now exactly where we expected to be led.

One of us "heartbroken",
One no longer living blind,
One of us waiting for the other to change our mind,
One ready and willing to leave the past behind...

Can't believe I'm doing this...

Honestly can't believe I'm starting a blog... but at this point, I'm so washed of emotion and understanding of anything in the world, I don't think it's valid for me to have any concrete opinons about anything until I try them.

That being said... I don't know who this is for, I don't know what I'm going to write/post/whatever here, and I don't know how long it's going to last... but then again, how long is anything going to last?
How long is a moment? ...well that one I've answered.... How long is forever? Can we define it? Do we want to? Is there really a truth about forever? Cuz I've read that book and I don't remember finding an answer... would they tell us if they found one?
We define our lives by success. We strive for things, for words that we can't even define for ourselves, but we want these things anyway. We go out looking for love and success and happiness when in reality, we truly can't define them, so even if we obtained them, we'd be too blind to recognize we finally have what we think we think we want.

Too heavy for a first blog? I don't know... On my mind, on the computer... story of my life.

Until I find something else to think about I guess...