It is what it is...

It's like I finally have a chance to miss him.

It's like that first week of hell all over again.

It's like those weeks we spent apart when he was still here.

It's emptiness in places I didn't know had volume.

It's what feels like endless amounts of tears.

It's nothing that can be fixed.

It's awful.

It's sad.

It's hard.

It's realizing that you would give up everything else just to hold him for a minute. Right now. For one hug. For one kiss. For one second for the memory to be enough. To actually feel him holding you again.

It's going to bed alone again, knowing you're going to wake up alone again, knowing that you have to get used to that again for the next 6ish months.

It's horrible.

It's pathetic.

It's never-ending.

It's lonely as hell.

Breakfast...

From 7/22/10:

The only argument for mornings being a good thing is breakfast... luckily I have rectified this situation by eating breakfast at all times of the day. It is now totally acceptable to have brinner, and the creation of brunch, totally a construction so 1 you don't have to get up early and 2 you can drink with your favorite breakfast foods-- it's brilliant.

So today, I decided that it's 2pm, and I want waffles. So I did it---

Yes that's butter, and yes it was delicious.

Even better- the no-drip top offered by no other brand than "Hungry Jack" ...yes there does seem to be a theme in my life (Sooo much Jack!!)... the way it didn't drip was to shape the spout in the form of a happy face.

I love breakfast- I love it waaayyyy more when I eat it whenever I want, aka not in the morning.

Urg.

don't think i don't notice

and don't think i don't see

the little changes you're making

the subtleties you're hoping will get to me

and they are...

but i have to stay strong-

at least a little bit

gotta protect myself some

even if this is really it

of course i love you

and of course i want to work it out

but i'm nervous and i'm scared

i can't do this if there's a doubt

i need to know somewhere else;

somewhere deep.

i need to be so sure

on a level i don't even know if i can reach...

or i could take a chance on you that this is right-- i can take the chance i was begging you to take. the chance i am begging you to take...

Mornings still suck

But now when I wake up I realize... it's not that panic, terrible, bad vibes, something is really wrong feeling....

it's just the lonely dread of another day without you...

Tonight was better....

Strawberry Shortcake sounded good.... and somehow made me feel better.

I decided not to question it... and just added more whipped cream.

Today was hard.

Today was hard.

Last night I was strong when you told me things I didn't necessarily want to hear. But this morning, I was messy. And I cried. And I freaked out and wrote an epic...

and all day I waited and wondered if it was too much and if I was too much and if you would read it...

Today was hard.

We went to Sammy's... where we had our first real date. When you sat on the same side of the table as me and paid for my dinner.... and let me go in the book store! And then we went to fro-yo, ate in your car and then came home and watched Blades of Glory.
You asked me as we drove by once if I remembered that that was where we had our first date-- I remember it all. And I remembered it all, all over again today, but this time, without you... this time I couldn't smile at you and then thank you with a kiss.

Today was hard.

And I went to Vons and I saw the sunset in that parking lot again and I saw the spot we always parked in, where we had epic conversations and I saw the tiny apples from when we compared apples to apples and I took that picture on my phone ...and God did I miss you.

Today was hard.

Today I realized that as much as I'm asking you to trust me and take a chance on me and talk to me.... I have to let you breathe. I have to trust you. I have to take the chance and have the faith that you know how much I love you, even though words will never be able to do that even a tiny shred of justice. And I have to have faith in fate and believe that you will calm yourself down, you will take care of yourself and you will know that I am here for you 100% when you're ready.

Today I realized I can't make you ready. And I can't suffocate you until you are.

I have to trust that you are the man I think you are and that you'll come to me and you'll want to come to me when you want to and when you need to.

I have to believe that you will figure things out on your own and that you'll be okay. And soon.

Today was hard.

But I have to believe that tomorrow, even though it's Monday, will be better.

When tomorrow comes...

I know that life will go on... and I know that I will make it through today.... because you're already in tomorrow.

And you making it to tomorrow means that tomorrow will come to me too... and by then you'll be in the next day, so that one will come too... and the world will keep spinning...

And when that magical day comes when tomorrow is the day I get to see you, I will be glad to face tomorrows with you again instead of having faith that they will come because you've already been through them

Tid bits...

Random one-liners or so that popped into my head then onto my phone and now will show up here....

I tried desperately to memorize your every move, but my memory ain't what it used to be.

I'm just looking for a place to stay-- I was hoping it could be your heart. I've been running, I've been searching, and I'm tired of wondering why nowhere feels like home... but you. Can I stay in your heart and rest there? Make a home and a life there?

It's the little things-- a surprise text or picture, fixing my toothpaste, pouring my coffee and leaving room for milk

If I could find the words, I'd probably still be afraid to say them... hanging on this moment til I scare you away...

Get into a routine just to hide the monotony.

Screaming 'I love you' in my head. I wonder if you can hear it as I hold your hand, trying to pass my thought into you through this simple touch...

I think of The Pact when I think of this... Chris says that he holds her and makes love to her, not knowing the best way to give her pieces of his own soul to patch hers...

Mornings are the hardest.

For a million reasons, and these days a million more.

Waking up in general... but now waking up alone. Waking up with no one there.

Waking up and checking facebook to see when he went to bed and when he last updated and knowing that he's asleep for at least the next huge chunk and most of your day.

And today, having chatted for 10 min at 4am when he was exhausted and I was asleep; waking up to a few pictures posted... seeing his face ...

almost made it worse.

Knowing just days ago, I was the one holding him; that face was in my hands. That bruise on his arm wasn't there, and now I wonder what he's been doing.

Only a couple days ago I would have been the one in pictures with him.

And I was the one who went with him to get the longboard and it was something we did together.

And now, this morning, I have to get up. I have to shower. I have to eat. I have to go to class.

I have to let him sleep and I have to know that he will get to me when he can. And I have to know that he misses me even though he can't tell me every single moment I'm thinking it.

I know it's not his job to make me okay. I know he can't.

But nothing can really... not yet. Just have to adjust...

but the mornings.... when there really is no one else and there really are about 12 more hours until I might, MAYBE be able to hear from him. Maybe. Those are the moments that it feels like nothing can help.

Holding my giant dog that smells like him makes me feel less alone, and that he wants me to be thinking of him... which dear God, I am...

I hate mornings. I hate mornings without him. I hate knowing that I have to get used to this.

This is leaving...

7/10/10 about 1am

We knew for a while this day was coming,

But it just dones’t stop the pain.

For days on end now, trying to be fine,

Fighting the tears, trying to hide from the rain

We knew.

We knew long before today,

But it didn’t matter; I had to love you.

This was simply a matter of fate.

Missing you doesn’t explain it,

Wanting you won’t cut it,

Trying to use these words to explain life’s mystery…

Words just can’t do it.

Its moments like that that you can’t hold him tight enough

You can’t kiss him long enough or hard enough to get your point across

It’s moments like that you realize what life is about.

“I want you”, never more true.

And I’m wanting you now

And needing you too,

There’s nothing like a moment like that to make me feel how much I love you

And I do.

I have.

I will.

I have to.

It's Time to Try Something New

I've been thinking about this for a while and I think that I know myself very little, but at the same time, well enough to know that writing things out helps me get through them. Especially now since I can't drink for a while and that was my life plan for August... it seems writing is going to have to help more than it used to or has in quite a while.

Here's the plan.

Write it out.

Everyday, as best I can.

No edits.

No wondering if I should or shouldn't feel one way or another.

No being concerned if it makes me sound crazy or desperate.

Or if I'm wrong.

Doesn't matter.

This is going to be messy, it's going to be random, probably really dark at some times, sometimes stupid, sometimes mushy as all hell- but that's life.

That's real.

And that's what I'm trying to find again.

I know that some days I'm going to cry. Some days I'm going to cry because I'm not crying and think I should be. Some days I'll be crying and smiling at the same time and some days I might not even be able to see straight through the pain or darkness.

So be warned.

This is not for anyone but me and the attempt at my sanity, though I am in no way discouraging reading further... I'm just saying-

No more being careful.

If words are my wand, then why not use the power I've been given.

No more editing.

Real and messy. And probably disturbed.

Here goes the journey of what I think it is I might be feeling.

Ready?

1,2,3 Go!