Distance

Distance is a funny thing.

Sometimes being far away makes you think you'll be free, and you want the distance so badly, until you get it... and you really are that far away.

Sometimes the distance plays tricks on you. You think it will be an escape, but you just end up talking more often to the people you wanted to get away from because you aren't there to occasionally run into them or say hey.

And then there's the people you don't like to be far away from; the ones you wouldn't mind talking to every day while you're away... those are the people you're close to. Distance disregarded. But these are the people you actually feel far away from. These are the people you want to swap with the other people who you were running from in the first place.

But these people you want to talk to and be close to... they don't want to talk to you. They don't miss you. And that makes you want to run from them too.

Pretty soon, you're sprinting from everyone and everything, trying to get just lost enough that you'll have to think about where you are instead of how far away you are and how alone you feel now that you feel the distance.

There is something crazy about distance. Because you really can be next to someone and miss them, because their heart is far away. Or you can be half a world away and feel close to someone because of a phone call or a letter or some interaction that makes you think of them; makes you feel like they're there with you.

Distance is a bitch. It would be much better if you could choose who you felt the distance with... but I guess you can. Leaving, actually physically distancing yourself, is just step one. To actually distance yourself is different, it's deeper, it hurts way more. It's like falling out of love. Admitting that what was once there no longer is... having to step back, realize that, and then let go. It's a bitch. And I don't think I'm ever going to be ready to do it. I think I may seriously need to cut myself off. I may need some honest decompression time. Some alone time to really reflect on the shitshow my life has been... maybe I can sit with myself long enough to figure something out. Something deep. Something profound. Something actually real. Something helpful. Something that will make me better.