Honestly. Do you know what your fate is?
I don't.
Am I trying to shake it?
Maybe.
Maybe I'm so afraid of what it could be, that I'd just rather not find out at all.
Maybe not.
I like to believe the latter, but I can be honest with myself; I am scared to death of what may or may not be in my future.
I guess this is where faith comes in.
Oh faith.
Brief anecdote:
Went to Venice today, was finding coins for the pay machine... every time I reached in for a coin, I grabbed my faith charm. Coincidence?? I think not. I was with my best friend, who is the first person to actually make me think this whole faith thing is worth something.
I've been trying. For a few years now... when did I start wearing that bracelet? Senior year? Well ever since then, I've been trying. I been looking; I've been open to faith. And what? Where am I now?
Farther.
Better.
Stronger.
Wiser.
I may not be a full-blown believer... in anything. But truthfully, I'm ready for it. Whatever it may be. Haha. LIES. I'm ready for nothing. I'm scared. But I'm fearless.
I have faith. Enough at least. Enough to know--enough to believe that this is gonna be great. This is gonna be monumental. And, perhaps most importantly to my fragile ego, I have faith that when I come back, the people I love will still be here. The people I need will still be there for me. The people that make me who I am are going to be removed from my life for 3 months... but I know; I have to believe that they will be here, ready to embrace whoever I turn out to be after the next 3 months.
Oh lord.
It's coming.
It's here.
And I feel alone.
"There's something 'bout the way the street looks when it's just rained" -Taylor Swift
"I need a sign, to let me know you're here" -Train
Here I am. Ready-ish. Waiting. Praying for a sign. Needing, so unbelievably needing something to tell me this is right. If you're reading this, please, tell me this is right.
Right.
Wrong.
Left.
Misdirection is often the key to finding exactly what you didn't know you were looking for and so desperately waiting for. God lead me. God save me. And in the absence of God, I reach for my friends. I reach for the bests. I reach for them anyway; I reach, I grasp, I throw my arms out in vain, hoping to grab hold of something... anything.
BUT I feel good. I feel great. I feel ready. I want this. I want this more than I've wanted anything in recent past. And I'll get it. Cuz that's who I am. And that's what I do. I win. I fight. I get what I want.
And I accept nothing less.
But I want more. I need more than nothing less. I want everything. I want to be held, I want to be wanted, I need to be loved.
Thank you God, honestly, for my family; even more for my friends. They are my world. They are my reasons. They are my everything. And I will need them forever.
Love, so much love overflows my heart for them. And there is nothing else. I have nothing else. I am nothing without them.
But with them... I am everything; I could be anything. And I will be.
SSSOOOOO much love.
So so so much. I will miss you; but you will be in my heart. Forever and most certainly for always.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
8 and counting...
So much on my mind and so little to write.
Kayne is a douche-sicle. Beyonce is an angel. T Swift... is T Swift. Enough of current Hollywood drama events.
So if this is my immeidate future: watching old movies like Steel Magnolias and drinking wine on the weekends... shoot me. If it takes a couple decades to get back here... be jealous.
Honestly- I can't get enough, I can't feel enough, I can't breathe deep enough to soak it all in. How do you revel in the moment? There's only so much you can do.
I don't want painful goodbyes. I want a hug.
"I can't hug you on the phone so hurry home." -Jason Michael Carroll
I want a hug; I want the comfort while I can get it. And I want to be missed; not in a sad way, but in a glorious, man, she is a joy to have in my everyday life way.
Maybe it's too much to ask.
Maybe it's just enough.
Everything in moderation.
But where's the line?
I want. That's all I am. Ever. Wanting.
And wanting in both the modern and the old English sense. I am wanting; I am desiring. But I am also lacking. I am lacking the love that I so desperately long for. I am ready now. Ready for the adventure. I am ready to be pushed; to be tested. I am ready to jump and I am ready to fall.
I am fearless. No. Not yet. I am trying to be. I have a daily reminder now. I look at and I don't think of fearless... I think of redness. I think of itch. I think of how it's going to look once it's healed. And sometimes I think of Taylor Swift's definition of fearless... and why I can't memorize it. It's close. It's so close to how I would define it... maybe that's why. It's not mine.
And now it's 2am and I can't think. I can't focus and I feel like trash, like I have for days. Maybe it's the hour; maybe it's the wine. Maybe it's that I can't figure out what's bothering me.
It should be easy; hello I'm leaving for 3 months. But no, I'm not freaked out... not really. I'm more excited; more ready to run away. At least more apt to run than to deal. Who's the hypocrite now?
It's not supposed to be easy or obvious or inevitable. It's a battle. And at 20, all I can say is that I'm thankful that I'm young enough and strong enough to fight. I know life isn't supposed to be laid out all yellow brick road in front of me. I know that it's about finding the right mountain to stare down and eventually climb. I get that. It doesn't make me more patient. It doesn't help me out when I feel worthless and alone. But it gives me insight and it gives me hope. I know there's something to live for; to strive for.
Enough.
Will I ever find it...
I freaking hope not.
But enough for now... too much chaos to process. Standard.
Kayne is a douche-sicle. Beyonce is an angel. T Swift... is T Swift. Enough of current Hollywood drama events.
So if this is my immeidate future: watching old movies like Steel Magnolias and drinking wine on the weekends... shoot me. If it takes a couple decades to get back here... be jealous.
Honestly- I can't get enough, I can't feel enough, I can't breathe deep enough to soak it all in. How do you revel in the moment? There's only so much you can do.
I don't want painful goodbyes. I want a hug.
"I can't hug you on the phone so hurry home." -Jason Michael Carroll
I want a hug; I want the comfort while I can get it. And I want to be missed; not in a sad way, but in a glorious, man, she is a joy to have in my everyday life way.
Maybe it's too much to ask.
Maybe it's just enough.
Everything in moderation.
But where's the line?
I want. That's all I am. Ever. Wanting.
And wanting in both the modern and the old English sense. I am wanting; I am desiring. But I am also lacking. I am lacking the love that I so desperately long for. I am ready now. Ready for the adventure. I am ready to be pushed; to be tested. I am ready to jump and I am ready to fall.
I am fearless. No. Not yet. I am trying to be. I have a daily reminder now. I look at and I don't think of fearless... I think of redness. I think of itch. I think of how it's going to look once it's healed. And sometimes I think of Taylor Swift's definition of fearless... and why I can't memorize it. It's close. It's so close to how I would define it... maybe that's why. It's not mine.
And now it's 2am and I can't think. I can't focus and I feel like trash, like I have for days. Maybe it's the hour; maybe it's the wine. Maybe it's that I can't figure out what's bothering me.
It should be easy; hello I'm leaving for 3 months. But no, I'm not freaked out... not really. I'm more excited; more ready to run away. At least more apt to run than to deal. Who's the hypocrite now?
It's not supposed to be easy or obvious or inevitable. It's a battle. And at 20, all I can say is that I'm thankful that I'm young enough and strong enough to fight. I know life isn't supposed to be laid out all yellow brick road in front of me. I know that it's about finding the right mountain to stare down and eventually climb. I get that. It doesn't make me more patient. It doesn't help me out when I feel worthless and alone. But it gives me insight and it gives me hope. I know there's something to live for; to strive for.
Enough.
Will I ever find it...
I freaking hope not.
But enough for now... too much chaos to process. Standard.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
The Tatt
I did it!!!! This is the first shot after I took off the wrapping... in Kylie's bathroom... lol
Once I got home... swollen and gross, but looks gooooddd!! I'm so happy with it!
More pictures to come...
Monday, September 7, 2009
The Night Before Life Goes On...
It's tonight... which is, as always, the night before tomorrow... but tonight is the last night before things start to change...
Obviously this is not the night before I leave or the night before anything truly significant... but it is my last night in San Francisco, my last night seeing my sister and Steve and Vina until Christmas, the night before I get a tattoo, and the last night until things really start rolling on England.
Tomorrow I am choosing to get a tattoo, a permanent mark and a permanent reminder to live my life the way I want to live it. It's going to be there, forever and always, in moments of courage and bold moves as well as in moments of fear and uncertainty. It will make me think, every time I see it, to live with purpose, to live in spite of things that are scary or uncertain or bad at the time... to actually LIVE.
It's time.
This is the first step.
And after this, I have two weeks. Two more weeks to pack and prepare myself for the change I am begging for; to create the change I need. Two weeks to live the life I have lived thus far... and two weeks to think about, accept, and celebrate the fact that things will never be the same.
In the next 3 months, we will all change, but this time it will be different. This time, we will be in completely different atmospheres, completely different worlds. I know how much people can change between going away to school and Christmas, believe me I do... it's just this time, we may end up very different after these three months.
This is when we grow apart. This is when my life experiences and life outlook becomes bigger than yours. This is when I'll see the world and you'll see a more intense version of what you already know.
Can we come back from that? Will we both want to?
I will not totally become a different person, I know that, but there will be a difference, Lord please let there be a difference. And let that difference open my eyes and my heart and enhance my friendships rather than hinder them.
Tomorrow it starts. Tomorrow my decisions finally change my life. Tomorrow my life will actually be my own and finally in my own hands... and completely crazy and out of control.
Tomorrow I will not be afraid of the choices I make and the changes that are coming. I will not regret my actions and choices in life because I will know, without doubt, that at one point in my life, it was exactly what I wanted. There is no shame or fear in that. Tomorrow, I become fearless.
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Obviously this is not the night before I leave or the night before anything truly significant... but it is my last night in San Francisco, my last night seeing my sister and Steve and Vina until Christmas, the night before I get a tattoo, and the last night until things really start rolling on England.
Tomorrow I am choosing to get a tattoo, a permanent mark and a permanent reminder to live my life the way I want to live it. It's going to be there, forever and always, in moments of courage and bold moves as well as in moments of fear and uncertainty. It will make me think, every time I see it, to live with purpose, to live in spite of things that are scary or uncertain or bad at the time... to actually LIVE.
It's time.
This is the first step.
And after this, I have two weeks. Two more weeks to pack and prepare myself for the change I am begging for; to create the change I need. Two weeks to live the life I have lived thus far... and two weeks to think about, accept, and celebrate the fact that things will never be the same.
In the next 3 months, we will all change, but this time it will be different. This time, we will be in completely different atmospheres, completely different worlds. I know how much people can change between going away to school and Christmas, believe me I do... it's just this time, we may end up very different after these three months.
This is when we grow apart. This is when my life experiences and life outlook becomes bigger than yours. This is when I'll see the world and you'll see a more intense version of what you already know.
Can we come back from that? Will we both want to?
I will not totally become a different person, I know that, but there will be a difference, Lord please let there be a difference. And let that difference open my eyes and my heart and enhance my friendships rather than hinder them.
Tomorrow it starts. Tomorrow my decisions finally change my life. Tomorrow my life will actually be my own and finally in my own hands... and completely crazy and out of control.
Tomorrow I will not be afraid of the choices I make and the changes that are coming. I will not regret my actions and choices in life because I will know, without doubt, that at one point in my life, it was exactly what I wanted. There is no shame or fear in that. Tomorrow, I become fearless.
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