BLAH. times 4............ rough day. rougher night.... come back Soph.

"It's a big, bad dream, following your heart." -Plain White T's

"At times, lonely sneaks up on me, but I'm getting by." -Reba McEntire.

"Take my hand and breathe."-Private Practice

Elise Colwell is "taking a chance, that is one is different; that this could be all I've waited for..." ... Living it up while I've still got it to live. "Take my hand and BREATHE."

In the moments where it really is just you.... what do you do?

Fight the lonely? Embrace the pain?

Fight to make yourself feel better, even though you know it will be an hour in vain?

WHAT DO YOU DO?

I like being alone, but I don't like feeling alone.

Theres moments, right? Where you just feel like you look at life or look back on photos, and you have it together.............. looking at pics I see those, but I don't feel it; my belief has increased, my drive has improved.

And what I wouldn't settle for as less before, is now not even considered. I'm stepping up. I'm running away.

I'm a slow person; everything I do is slow........... so who's gonna run with me. It's not drastic, it's not huge; it's life. And it's time... and it's real.

Whos running with me??????????????

"You've got wits, you've got looks, you've got passion, but are you brave enough to leave with me tonight????" -Dashboard.

If I stayed..................

.....................................

Too tight?

I'm realizing a lot.
Moments where life is coming at you all too fast. Moments that seem blurred because there is so much flying past your face... sometimes those are moments of clarity. Moments when you realize that what you want in and for your life is different than what the people who used to define you see in the future. Everything else becomes so crazy and blurred but you can finally see at least one thing clearly... maybe the one thing you were looking for the whole time.
Maybe the key to your travels.

I can do this anywhere.
Maybe it's time to let go...

I will find people to connect with and I will find people to love.
I can do that.

It's time to grow up. And sometimes that means letting go.

Merrhhhh...

Sometimes it feels really great to feel like you belong. Just to feel good. Even in a place you know is temporary. People come and go... I know that. But regardless, people making feel like you mean something; like you'll be missed.... sometimes that can mean everything... sometimes that can change your night. And sometimes that can change your life.
Let's be truthful- I left California hoping in a sick, twisted way, to be missed. I did. And I think I am. But here... no- I don't want to be missed here... part of me wishes I didn't affect anyone's life here since all too soon they'll have to go on without me, but the bigger part of me, the better part of me and the righter part of me knows that I met the people I did here for a reason. I know it's a short time, but life is short too. Make the most of what you have while you have it. And if that means taking chances, so be it. And if that means you don't have room to not be honest, so be it. And if that (if you're lucky) means that you met someone at exactly the right time in your life.... so be it.

I am blessed. I am thankful. I am alive. And I am scared. I don't want to leave. I am not done here. I want to come back, but so much will change here while I'm gone, which is so interesting since I'm so sure it hasn't since I've left.

Life will go on, but life is full of change.

I. Don't. Want. To. Leave.

I am not ready. I know I have 4 weeks and I know I'm gonna be packing a ton in in that time... but it's not enough; never enough. Same old story, new continent.

I believe in people; I have faith in people. And the people that move me, move me everyday. Damn me for meeting people I don't want to live without. AGAIN. And always...

I may leave, but I'm not done.

Packrats. Nesters.
One in the same.

One in a million.

Never broken.

Too strong of a spirit; of a will...

But what happens when WE give up??? When the all-faithfuls finally have enough?? Then what???

One is at the breaking point, another only steps behind....

One day at a time.

And time will tell... it always does.

More to come...

There's a line I can't seem to quite get a hold of. I know attacking someone you care about isn't the best way to get through to them, but when you finally feel able to be completely honest with them, all you want to do is shake them and wake them up and let them see what you see. You want them on your level. And I don't know what's okay to say and how far I can push and how much I can say the same things before it's all too much... for both of us. There must be a line.

Hooped.

I've realized... I can do this anywhere... this whole being thing, existing, rocking it, living. I can do it anywhere... and no matter where I choose I am going to be able to find people who make me better and make me stronger; people I'll connect with that will help me grow. People that I need.

I didn't really realize how lucky I am. Once again, I find myself in a place I knew would be temporary, and still, I have found people I don't want to live without, people I don't want to leave.
I am so lucky and so blessed. And I'm seriously thinking, if i keep this up, I'll have so many great friends in so many parts of the world... I really can travel and I really won't be alone no matter where I am.
I am too lucky for my own damn good.

How is it possible that I find someone who gets me and someone to connect with everywhere I go?? Blessed. Super blessed.

I don't want to go. I don't want to go back to a life of my other best friends. I haven't spent enough time here yet. There has to be more. I mean, there will be. I know there will be. Even here, in the time I have left, I know there will be... but it just never feels like enough... but that's good right? Something to come back for? I'm coming back anyway.

"Wherever you are, no matter how far... I'm gonna find my way to you."

Inevitable.

:)

Sometimes.

New motto for life- you just need to be a shitshow sometimes. Let it out and let yourself break down. Be embarrassing. Be crazy. Be unreasonable. Sometimes you just need to scream or cry or drink until you yak... until you can throw up the unsettling feelings inside you.

I was a baby last night. A whiny, annoying baby, incapable of making good choices or possibly even getting myself home. I just wanted to go home; I just wanted someone to take care of me; I just wanted to cry and I don't even know why. I could blame it on the estrogen... and I will, but there's something to be said for the fact that I became that person at all. Once I hit that point, I just snapped. And I was done. Literally couldn't hold myself up or together anymore.

As the memories start slowly filling themselves in, I seriously wonder how anyone could have dealt with me. I would have killed me.

I am so thankful I had my shitshow breakdown, fool of myself night around someone who looked after me. No excuses and no regrets. Embarrassment for sure and a definite debt to be repaid, but sometimes you just need one of those nights... and sometimes you don't even know it until it happens...

Oldies.

Shower epiphany #2:

I'm starting to think that maybe these songs and stories and movie scripts and books that are written... we don't know when we write them that they're going to affect someone. We don't know that they are going to change a life or perfectly describe some aspect of someone's life; we just write it out. We just write what we're feeling. Sometimes the result is a true account of our lives or feelings at the moment and sometimes it's just inspired from our lives, but regardless, we write it out because that's what we do. I never would have guessed that my own written words would have come so full circle to even make wonderful sense in my own life.

I can think of two songs I've written off the top of my head that would describe either occurrences and/or realizations in my own life or the life of a friend. Pulling some stuff out the archives, I offer examples:

"No good reason for me to be depressed. Look at all I've got, yeah I know that I'm so blessed. So why is my heart a little greyer today? Acting like everything's fine, I shake it off and say, 'You know it must be from a bad night's sleep,' knowing it's because of that stupid boy taking over my dreams. I say, 'all I need is time, my friend, and I'll be just fine,' knowing so well that I'm such a mess inside. Oh how it starts to burn, when you're living off these lies.

Not everything in love has to go as planned and you know that now. Yeah you know somehow that you're right on this time. He is the one- that you're sending this rhyme out to. And you just look at him and say, 'You know that it's always been you.'

Let it be me-Let me be the one who makes the sun rise.

It can be me-I'll do anything just to see you one more time.

And you're praying on the inside, and crying on the out,

Knowing in your heart, without a single doubt that it's always been you... who was there for me. And it's always been you, who helped me up to my feet. You know it's always been and it will always be you... just you and me."

I would like to point out that I wrote that when I was like 12-ish, maybe 13 or 14... and now it's kinda coming back to be relevant in lives of people I'm close to. REdiculous.

And much more recently, a song only inspired by my life seemingly ringing true... who would have thought?

I was so stupid, so incredibly naive,

What in the world ever caused me to believe:

That this one was different,

And it’s okay you made me cry??

Still had to tell you what I was killing me inside.

So I’m writing you a letter I know I’ll never send

Writing you the same words again and again:

I love you baby,

Why’d you have to go?

What did I do to make you leave me all alone?

We were the envy of all of our friends,

Thought we’d get married, be happy in the end.

But you left and started living

A life without me,

All you had to do was say the word, and I would've set you free.

Now I’m writing you a letter I’m never gonna send

Writing you the same words again and again:

I love you baby,

Why’d you have to go?

What did I do to make you leave me all alone?

You were chasing bigger dreams than this place would allow,

Guess you needed to get out, well it’s my turn now.

Maybe I’ll see you

Down the road someday

Maybe if I’m lucky, this’ll make sense someday. / (Maybe by then, you’ll see your mistake)

But I’m done writing letters I’m never gonna send

Done writing you the same words over and over and over again.

But I still love you baby,

Don’t know why you had to go.

Don’t you see I’m scared to death of being on my own?

It’s the thought of life without you; how my world is gonna change.

It’s all the what-if’s, all the promises we’ll break.

It’s the fear that I feel

When I look to the sky

Knowing you’re not with me and wondering...

I’m still wondering why.

You promised me forever,

You swore I’d be a part of your life,

But here we are, baby, worlds away

And now there’s nothing left between us but time

Nothing left to say but goodbye

Bye bye baby, goodbye.

So maybe I'm making headway on this whole- is it real? Has it ever been? Will it ever be thing? .... I forgot about inspiration... sometimes we feel what we feel to get to someone else; to put into words what they didn't even know they were feeling... sometimes we even do that for ourselves...

Hmm... always more to think about.