Story of my life.

I'm not too sure... about ...
anything.
Anymore?
Again?
Always?

Story of my life right?? Never sure, nothing EVER for certain, nothing ever comfortable for long. I hate it, but its typical... story of my life. While that seems to be my newest catch-phrase, it makes me seriously consider the story of my life.
This is way too intense of a topic for my mindset right now, but to chip away briefly:
The point of life is the story of life. All I want is to write my story, to play it out in front of myself in a beautifully written novel, broken down by chapters of my life that build up like any good story does, begging the reader to turn page after page, desperate to know the ending.
I am the writer.
But I am also the reader.
I am the desperate one. I am the one who NEEDS to know. I'm the one who wants to flip to the final page in my own story to find out if there's a happily-ever-after waiting for me or not. I need to know that there's something worth living for... something worth going through all this "growing up" crap for... I want to know if any of it's real... or if it really is all just a story... and if everyone else is content in their real lives because... what? they have lower standards than me... or maybe they just don't expect to be the lead in a bestselling book.... I don't know. And that kills me. I know that this is the whole point of the book... these are the building chapters... blah blah blah. But honestly, as the writer, I should be able to dictate the ending... and I can't.
I feel like all of it is not in my control... I feel like part of my ending has already been established by the acts of the first 20 years of my existence.
But I'm not sure- story of my life.

Nothing is concrete.

I have been trying, of late, to find the beauty in that; the opportunities that this simple statement harbors. Nothing is concrete, yet somethings are forever. But there is change. There must be change.

There are a few things of which I am certain:
Change is imminent.
I am a distinct brand of crazy.
There are a select few people in my life that will be constants, not concrete, but constants, changing with me, albeit inevitably in different ways, for the rest of time.
Most things are not that serious.
Ambiguity is essential.

I am uncertain about the rest. I don't know about love, I don't know about friendship, I don't know about social aspects of life. I don't know if there's a point, I don't know about trust, I don't know about education, I don't know who makes the rules, I don't know who "they" are, or how they got so powerful. I don't know why power dominates the world, I don't know anything about people, I don't know about music or art or athletes. I don't know about religion or saints or gods. I don't know anything about this world except that it exists... which is an ambiguous enough statement to mean a variety of things.
I don't know about words, I don't know about feelings or meaning or expression. I don't know about excuses or lies or the human brain. I don't know anything about anything.

But I know enough. I know enough to know that there HAS to be a reason. Some kind of love must exist. Maybe I've wasted my heart, maybe I really have outsmarted fate and thereby fucked myself over... maybe.

I'm not too sure about my future- given.
But I'm not even too sure about my past.
I don't know too much about the present either.

I'm not too sure I want a tattoo, I'm not too sure I want to go abroad, I'm not too sure I'm gonna be okay, I'm not too sure that my friends will be here when I get back... no not so much that... I'm not too sure we're going to click like we do now. I'm not too sure I'll find what I'm looking for and I don't know if I'll actually grow and change like I want to. I'm not sure if I'll ever grow up enough to grow out of this selfishness and give myself to anyone... unpack that sentence if you dare.

I know that no one is sure, and again, that's the point... but I need stability. I need a sign. I need to know that somehow this is right.
Because in this moment, I want to throw up... and cry... and I feel like I can't.... anything. Function, breathe, sleep, move, exist without people holding me up.
I don't want to be this way. It's time to break these dependencies, I know that, hell, I CHOSE this. I am willingly subjecting myself to banishment from Neverland... I am forcing myself to take a step toward growing up...

20 is too young to give up. Give up hope, give up on life, love, happiness, my dreams. But there must be a balance. Finding a happy medium between living in the harsh realities of the real world and not letting go of childhood spirit and dreams must be possible... although I've never truly seen it done.... I've also never watched anyone but me grow up.

This is scattered and complicated and out of nowhere...

I'm not panicking... I'm not trying to back out... I'm just trying to understand what I feel and get some sort of grasp on why I felt so urgently the need to do these things and live this life a few months ago... when now, all I want to do is stay.

Side-note: Songs that have people begging other people to stay always get me. ...I don't want to have that happen... if they asked me to, I would always stay... my selfishness baffles me.....
But as of now it also defines me... God, in soo many ways. Name it and I could turn it back to me and my own interests, life, etc. Sometimes it's too much. Sometimes I need a break from me.

Heart of the Matter- I'm scared to go because what happens if I fail???
There is no one but me. There is no answer but me. And there is nothing but my selfishness rearing its ugly head and turning its back on me. This one's on me. This one is because of me. This one is all about me. And I am so afraid of that and the responsibility that that entails.

It sounds absurd, but it's like it's finally sinking in that this truly is my life and I can do whatever I want with it. While this is empowering and frightening, it's also an odd feeling to feel the need to test out the waters and ease your way into life again after living it for so long already.
It's all up to me. The choices I've made in my life can be counted on one hand... the actual, honest to God calls that I've had to make are few and were carefully thought out and considered and planned. I'm sick of living life safely like that, but at the same time, I can't be reckless in this new found existence that I'm finally realizing is actually my own.
I feel like that's why kids screw up at this point in life. They have no desire to find a balance between this freedom and responsibility of controlling your own life. Your 20s are to experiment and screw up and have one night stands with strangers right? But what if I don't want that? What if I don't know what I want??... oh wait, that's the story of my life also.