I'm in every kind of trouble...

Can't you tell? Just look at me.

....

Really though.

Overwhelmed isn't cutting it these days.

My Head Feels Like A Blender.

Do you ever get one of those... what are they calling them these days? Ah-ha moments? Anyway, you're sitting there and all of a sudden, you just get an epiphany that you were meant for something. That you were meant for this particular thing.

Ever talked to a relative? Particularly an older one? My grandma, who might be one of the best people I will ever be lucky enough to have in my life, always told me that she was meant to be a grandma; that's why she was here.

Like most things in my life thus far, there has not been such a moment for me. I do things by process of elimination... well I know I don't want this or that, so I guess this other thing is probably the way to go.

Here's what I'm thinking right now:

I was never meant to fall in love.

I know that sounds cynical and ridiculous and incredibly over-dramatic. But I'm not far from truly, truly believing this one. I don't think it was made for me. And I think my potential lies in being hurt from it, hunting for it, and seeing it everyday in a million different forms. I was meant to describe, to inspire, to explain, to be amazed... but not to demonstrate.

I wasn't meant for the ultimate greatness because I will never believe it. I am hooked enough to be obsessed with it, but I would never let it happen to me because anything that was not in a book, movie, song, or poem wouldn't be enough; good enough, true enough, pure enough.

The truth and the worst part of this is that I know that NOTHING is like that. Nothing is cut and dry and nothing is simple.

I don't know if I believe in ah-ha moments. I don't think that epiphanies last for more than a week or so... I don't think I believe people when they tell me that I'll just know... maybe for them, they just knew their life path, their soulmate... but me? I overthink and then I overthink my overthinking... I live in a disturbingly cyclical mindset that really doesn't allow me to accept anything at face value.

...

i don't want to take it slow; i want to fling myself off the deep end, but i know that if i fall, and there is no magic, there is no love to catch me... i will land face-first into my stupid and uncomforting logic.

To jump or not to jump... that is the question...

That is the question that does not have to be answered today or any time soon.

Breathe kidd.

One day at a time.

It's your life, why rush yourself through it?

One.

"Someday I'll find the words"....

Someday I'll find the moment,

Someday I'll find the one.

Some.

Day.

Some day, I will be able to explain what I feel and mean what I say and bring you into this life I lead, much more intimately than any words thus known can describe...

My words, MINE, not the words of past poets or note-worthy dignitaries; MY words, my explanations... my own voice and spirit, heard undeniably through the seemingly mundane letters.

I may not even be known for this; I certainly do not anticipate being the next Hemingway by any stretch of the imagination... but you, you will know because you will hear it. Because it is all about you. Every moment; every word since I remember forming them has been about love and therefore about you.

There is no "One."

There is no one.

But there is you. You are enough.
And NOT in a settling, regretful sort of way, but in the most passionate and ridiculously impossible sort of way that makes zero sense even as I try desperately to explain it.

There is you.

And somehow, albeit magically, there is me;

And by God, or perhaps someone even more powerful's grace, there is a we.

You are every reason and every moment; good and bad.

My world has been about love from day one. And you are enough.

You are enough for ever. And for always. And on the days that find me at a loss for words, you will hear my heart, and on the days that my heart is darkened, you will see into my eyes and into my soul and while you may not know why or what or anything about what's going on... you will understand enough because you understand me.

You will be patient with me and you will keep me level.

And you will be the reason I make any sense at all.

"I want the world to see you be with me" -Train

I don't know what else there is. And I don't know what else there is to want.

There is me. There is you. Somehow, there is a we....

And at this point, who are we to stand in the way of ourselves??

The situation makes no sense, but we make each other make sense, so shouldn't that mean something?

For now....

for this moment....

There is one boy and one girl.

"One boy, and one girl; two hearts beating wildly..." -Collin Raye

"Standing together in this angry world... one boy fighting for one girl..." -Shenandoah

For now... nothing is certain, but everything is real. Where we go from here is no longer in our control.... and I am trying so, so intensely to be okay with that and to stave myself off from trying to define anything or put pressure on myself to define anything, but at the end of the day... I am me and my life is, frighteningly, out of my hands right now....

Then again,

Sometimes, the things that are out of our control are supposed to be.........

Why I hate mornings-

I can still feel where you held me, I can still feel your body next to mine and I can still smell you on my shirt, even after all this time.

Waking up with you so fresh in my mind, waking to an empty bed...

"Take Another Little Piece of My Heart Now Baby"

You just have to throw you heart out there and see which dog attacks it.

Honestly- it's not a choice... your heart is yours to give away, sure, but it isn't always who you pick that matters. As we all know, some all too well, there isn't much you can say to rationalize why you want to be with someone even though you hardly know him or your friends advise you against it.

It just doesn't matter.

There is a peculiar internal discourse that somehow enables our rational minds to think that they know better than any feeling or inclination that we may have.

Somehow it seems that logic=truth in some minds, mine included... but the more I think about it, the more that seems absurd. If logic was the end-all, be-all, then feelings would have been rendered obsolete and things like sensitivity and crying and yelling and any other form of passion might indeed be deemed insanity; unnecessary displays of radical emotions, as if a mentally ill person just escaped from an institution...

Luckily, or unluckily as it may turn out, this is not the case.

It matters that I cry and scream and feel and want... it matters because love matters.

It's quite ridiculous to believe so intensely in something that can neither be defined nor proven... religion at least explains away things people don't/didn't understand and serves a purpose as a directed faith and a place to turn to when the world just isn't fair.... but love.... love makes no sense.

Think about it. What does love do for us?? Supposedly, it completes us; makes us unequivocally happy... but I've been happy before... It also wrecks us. Unrequited love might be the single most intense nonphysical pain that ever existed, although I can't be sure.

But this love idea... it gives us something to hope for, to obsess over, to pine for, to build our lives around; it creates a system of want and need that is so universal it is constantly exploited in books, movies, advertisements, you name it... yet we keep coming back. We keep trying to define it and more than that, we keep up the hunt. We don't want to stop looking and we certainly don't want to stop believing that it exists and we can't bring ourselves to consider that it could be an exaggeration or even a wish of a poet or a dream of a painter... we believe in it with all our heart... which is interesting in itself... where does emotion live? If you get a heart transplant, does your soul get replaced too? It seems the answer is no... so why the heart? Why do we want to give it so bad and although it is the strongest muscle, it seems so fragile.... or is that just our mental state?

There is no easy way to wrap your head around this and this conversation could go on for days on end... but the point of it all is whether or not emotions outweigh rationalization.

For me, who am I to stop myself from things that I want? I am 21 years old... how much wisdom about my future or any future could my rational mind have obtained when I wasn't paying attention?? Do I honestly know better?? How could I?

This is how we learn. We make mistakes because at the time, that is where we led ourselves...heart or soul, it doesn't matter. Let yourself be led by you. Go with it, wherever you end up, know that at the end of the day, you wanted it or thought it was right for you. There is no shame or blame in either of those.

We learn. We grow. We have to. There is no easy way. There is only the way we choose. And we are the only ones who can choose it.

There is no advice for the middle, but maybe there shouldn't be. This is where we learn and make mistakes and become who we are meant to become. The middle is where all the passion lies that makes the end worth it.

"Life, he realized, was much like a song. In the beginning there is mystery, in the end there is confirmation, but it's in the middle where all the emotion resides to make the whole thing worthwhile."
— Nicholas Sparks (The Last Song)

... Back in the Beginning...

We'll see. It always starts off like this, doesn't it? I don't care and we're just friends and we always know better. And the good ones start slow... slow and smooth with unwaivering comfort and calm. Hardly a hint of interest of any kind, then slow, subtle clues, seeing if you're sharp enough to catch it, to see what it really means. More and more there are subtle bets and requests and hypothetical plans for the future... we'll see. As always, we'll see how it goes. There is always the sneaking thought that this one could be different. And this actually could be right and nothing else will matter. But what is there now except mindless fantasies, feelings of impending doom and heartache, and subtle messages waiting to be explored? There is only time.

So we'll see. Play it cool, play it safe, but play to win, whatever the hell that means. I'm just looking for the right way, I'm looking for the answer, without ever asking the right questions.

"I'm just looking for a happy ending.... all I'm looking for is you." -Jack Ingram

The truth is a secret that no one knows and only time can tell.

Change---- from the beginning

Everything changes.

Change is hard.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Change isn't always a bad thing.

But people don't change. Have I? Will I?

Growing up is one thing, obviously I know a lot more about things now than I did even just a few years ago... but what am I learning and will I ever learn?

It's heavy. This feeling isn't quite as familiar as I thought it would be.... but I still know it well. The impending fallout... the chance for a few months of careful strategy and the looming potential for something beautiful and rare, but there is always a catch so you try to protect yourself, but it doesn't matter. You care. From the first time you hang out and the first moment you crack up at the same time because of the same thing, you're hooked, you're done. And from there it really doesn't matter who they were to you, because now, they are someone to you. And you care what happens and you worry and you want to be one of the people they think of on those lonely days, as they desperately try to fill the hours with anything.