Oy...

Honestly. Do you know what your fate is?

I don't.

Am I trying to shake it?

Maybe.
Maybe I'm so afraid of what it could be, that I'd just rather not find out at all.

Maybe not.



I like to believe the latter, but I can be honest with myself; I am scared to death of what may or may not be in my future.

I guess this is where faith comes in.



Oh faith.



Brief anecdote:

Went to Venice today, was finding coins for the pay machine... every time I reached in for a coin, I grabbed my faith charm. Coincidence?? I think not. I was with my best friend, who is the first person to actually make me think this whole faith thing is worth something.



I've been trying. For a few years now... when did I start wearing that bracelet? Senior year? Well ever since then, I've been trying. I been looking; I've been open to faith. And what? Where am I now?

Farther.

Better.

Stronger.

Wiser.



I may not be a full-blown believer... in anything. But truthfully, I'm ready for it. Whatever it may be. Haha. LIES. I'm ready for nothing. I'm scared. But I'm fearless.



I have faith. Enough at least. Enough to know--enough to believe that this is gonna be great. This is gonna be monumental. And, perhaps most importantly to my fragile ego, I have faith that when I come back, the people I love will still be here. The people I need will still be there for me. The people that make me who I am are going to be removed from my life for 3 months... but I know; I have to believe that they will be here, ready to embrace whoever I turn out to be after the next 3 months.

Oh lord.

It's coming.



It's here.



And I feel alone.


"There's something 'bout the way the street looks when it's just rained" -Taylor Swift

"I need a sign, to let me know you're here" -Train



Here I am. Ready-ish. Waiting. Praying for a sign. Needing, so unbelievably needing something to tell me this is right. If you're reading this, please, tell me this is right.

Right.
Wrong.
Left.

Misdirection is often the key to finding exactly what you didn't know you were looking for and so desperately waiting for. God lead me. God save me. And in the absence of God, I reach for my friends. I reach for the bests. I reach for them anyway; I reach, I grasp, I throw my arms out in vain, hoping to grab hold of something... anything.


BUT I feel good. I feel great. I feel ready. I want this. I want this more than I've wanted anything in recent past. And I'll get it. Cuz that's who I am. And that's what I do. I win. I fight. I get what I want.

And I accept nothing less.

But I want more. I need more than nothing less. I want everything. I want to be held, I want to be wanted, I need to be loved.

Thank you God, honestly, for my family; even more for my friends. They are my world. They are my reasons. They are my everything. And I will need them forever.

Love, so much love overflows my heart for them. And there is nothing else. I have nothing else. I am nothing without them.

But with them... I am everything; I could be anything. And I will be.
SSSOOOOO much love.

So so so much. I will miss you; but you will be in my heart. Forever and most certainly for always.