How do we go back?

I got over thinking I knew everything a long time ago... and I really really don't think I know it all, but there are so many things that make so much sense to me in theory, that I just cannot understand when they're put into practice

Maybe it's people I don't understand. Maybe they don't understand the theories and I don't understand their actions.... maybe that's it....

but no matter which way you spin it, it just doesn't seem right to me... and I don't know if I'll ever understand the way people tend to treat each other.... and more, the way people walk all over people they claim to love or care about and act as though their love is an excuse to do so.

Since when did "I love you" become a do whatever and be automatically forgiven card?

I don't think it is.

I don't think it ever should be.

Maybe I don't get it. Maybe I'm young. Maybe I'm too naiive to understand what the world is really like and what real life means.....

But if that's real life.... if that's what I have to look forward to learning how to live in........ dude- I don't wanna. I'd rather stay heartbrokenly naiive than to accept the fact that that's just the way things are... I will never choose to live in that world..... I will never be okay with the three most scared words ever strung in a sentence being an excuse to hurt or a substitute for "I'm sorry, I was so incredibly wrong"..... Never.

And I don't know, I don't know if that's the world I'm hiding from, but it sure looks like it from here.

I know there are exceptions. I know some people are pure and true and actually mean it intensely and beautifully when they say "I love you"... but they shouldn't be exceptions... they should be the rule. When did all this change? And how do I go back?

Maybe I'm just dreaming out loud, but until then.... I've got nothing left to lose....

and i dont konw much but i found you here

dont know where youre coming from but youre coming soon

come home.

Fearless

i liked it better when i was fearless- when i didn't care and didn't worry about anything

every time ive had a huge, biggest fear... it happens and i go through a small version of hell-- i'm sick of having fears to get through

when your biggest fears come true, and you come out eventually okay, eventually stronger..... thats supposed to be good right?

id rather be fearless

It's not even about having fears... it's about caring enough or caring too much to the point that life, as it happens, hurts you because you are stupid enough to let people in and then you learn to love them.... to the point where the thought of leaving them or losing them scares you to death.......

I'd rather be fearless...

Its hard being in love by yourself.

Elise needs to remember when things get tough-- "the heart is a muscle the size of your fist. keep loving. keep fighting." ...even if it feels like you're the only one in the world who is....

If you're lucky enough to know what you want and it's worth fighting for, do whatever it takes to get it... even if you are "just dreaming out loud"....

this is what i chose. this is still what i want. and now i honestly am dreaming out loud..... but at least i'm dreaming.......

i didnt think it would be this hard. i didnt think that id have to do this all alone, but its my turn to be strong. he was there for me when my whole world was crashing down (so i thought) and now its my turn. i didn't believe in me and he helped me change that.... maybe hes lost faith in love and in us, but its my turn to be here and be strong and suck it up and wait and hope and pray for things to get better. until then, i might hurt and cry and feel like giving up... but if i can get back here... bring myself back to the fact that this IS a choice and it is the choice i've made... it makes it feel better, more manageable.... not completely and utterly and totally hopeless ... even if that feeling only lasts for a few seconds....

Its hard being in love by yourself.

The secret of life is Monday Night Football

So some life advice----

Note that this is a work in progress since I'm only 21 and clearly don't know any of the secrets because if I did, I most likely wouldn't find myself in this situation...

1. Pick your battles.

There are going to be points and situations in life where you emotionally check out; it's inevitable. Decide what's worth checking back in for. Love. Friendship. Family. Everyone has their breaking point and everyone has that one thing worth fighting for... make sure you know what yours is... or find out quick because fighting for things that don't matter will exhaust you and not fighting for things that do, might actually kill you... so pick your battles and fight hard.... fight to the death.

2. Everyone will disappoint you at some point.

The people you love, the people you trust, yourself... eventually they will all disappoint you. And when those people who just get you; those ones who know you better than you know yourself hurt you... it feels like they're ripping your heart your apart, piece by piece, with their bare hands... even when you know it's coming. The trick, I guess, is to know it's coming and to trust yourself enough to know that you picked good people to be in your life and for every time they hurt or disappoint you, there will be twice as many (or hopefully more) times that they make your day or blow your mind. You have to know it's coming and in those moments after it happens, you have to remember these words and this knowledge and know that it will pass and that even when you disappoint yourself.... it will pass. Things will look up and eventually your life will be the life it was meant to be whether you want it to or not...

3. Be careful what you hide behind.

Defense mechanisms. Everyone has them, everyone sees them in other people.... all I'm saying is be careful what you choose to hide behind. There are a lot of different ways to go about this; ways to protect your heart. You can emotionally shut down; become a robot... and every time you do it, it will be easier and easier to never connect again... you can pretend that you don't believe in or want love ever again. You can get super busy and throw yourself whole-heartedly into anything but your loneliness and insecurities. You can put up walls, you can build moats, you can become a recluse and avoid situations all together... all I'm saying is that one day, your defenses will either fall and you'll have to deal with the rubble, or they'll stay strong forever and you'll have to deal with the agony and loneliness of knowing that you and you alone prevented yourself from ever letting anyone in and ever having the chance at experiencing that feeling people call love...

4. Get numb.

It's self defense too. And it's safer that way. A certain level numbness is essential to survive in high school... at work... in life. Seriously. Taking everything to heart will only lead to destruction. While it's true that a lot of people will have serious issues with this and while they have valid points, honestly, being numb at some point is the only way you get through. Imagine if you felt EVERYTHING. You hear about superpowers where they can't feel anything... imagine if you could feel EVERYTHING.... everything you think might hurt but doesn't every word that might be taken as offensive demolishes you... At some point, shutting off is the best thing you can do for yourself........... which leads me back to the point of #1 .... pick what things you allow yourself to feel and be numb to... this is tricky and seriously messes a ton of people up if not used appropriately and in moderation, myself included... which leads to #3.... be careful what you hide behind..... if you choose to be numb and you reject feeling anything for a long enough time, you might never feel anything fully again.... and that actually might be worse and far more frightening than whatever you're so scared of that made you want to go numb in the first place.

5. When you know, you know.

The best and only advice my mother ever gave me on relationships.

But I think it goes much deeper than that.... when you know you know... basically that means you should learn to trust yourself and trust your intuition. If you're feeling something... FEEL it. Feel it fully and respect yourself enough to know that you're feeling it for a reason. Regardless of if it's right or wrong or just in the moment, the fact that you're feeling it and recognizing it and can admit it, especially to yourself, matters. It matters. And at the end of the day, you have to trust yourself enough to know that feeling something means something... at least something worth exploring.

to be continued......