back to that dreaming thing again.

Back to the subject of dreams....

Why do we tend to keep our dreams, our ambitions, our ultimate drives and desires to ourselves? Why do we harbor secret passions and then wonder why our childhood aspirations never come true? Why don't we dream out loud? Out in the open, screaming from the rooftops what we're so excited and so passionate about and want so deeply... even if it is outlandish or improbable?

I have been obsessed with OneRepublic's song "Come Home" for a few years now.... and although there are a few lines that are currently a bit more pertinent, I always, always come back to this one: "...but maybe I'm just dreaming out loud..."

Dreaming out loud is along the same chord as "fearless" to me... it's terrifying. It's bold. It's sometimes insane. And it is a surefire way to lay yourself and your heart on the line and a great way to get your dreams dashed and your heart broken.

But to live fully... to really feel alive, I think you have to do it... at least at some point.

We hold our dreams close to our hearts for so many different reasons...most of them are out of fear...... fear of embarrassment, of what people would think, fear of it never ever happening for us, fear of realizing how out of control we are of some things, fear of realizing how much of our own lives we do control, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of all the crazy changes that success or failure would bring, fear of believing and trusting ourselves enough to take that chance.....

So we keep our dreams in our heads, sometimes in our words, sometimes in our sleep... and we go on, but we rarely get anywhere spectacular.

The thing is, even if you take that leap and you fall so far and so fast and smack your head on the ground, eventually, after the little birdies go away and the concussion stops making you wish you were dead, hopefully, you'll be able to revel in the fact that you made it to the top of that mountain or tree or wherever... and you saw that view, felt the difference in the air and looked down knowing that you made it up there.... so even if you do fall, you can appreciate the fact that, for that moment, you had the best view in the entire world and the only one you wanted to see...

Okay, so maybe that's a stretch. Long story short.... even if it blows up in your face, appreciate the journey, know that you were brave enough to work hard to even take that chance... most people are too afriad of life to live it....

So I'm still working on this, but here's the thing.... I know I say some crazy stuff... and I definitely I want some crazy stuff; things that will never happen because the world isn't all puppies and rainbows and some things that just seem wildly out of reach for me..... and yeah, maybe I'm just talking.... maybe I'm just dreaming out loud.......... but at least I'm dreaming.

And I know that dreaming out loud is, for me, the only way I can start to live the way I want to... fearlessly.

That's the point. I still stand by it: if at the end of the day and 60+ years down the road, I can look at my wrist and nod and smile to myself and know that I lived fearlessly and loved fearlessly... I'll be good. I'll be in a place on my way to where I want to be or taking comfort in the fact that I got to take that journey and have landed wherever I happen to be in that moment.

Keys:

Ατρόμητη

Dream out loud.

Love Like Crazy

Roll With It

A little tidbit for life----

Life is ironic. Learn to appreciate and respect the ironic humor. If you don't think life is funny, you're going to have a hell of a time getting through it.

I've used this before, but it seems rather relevant.... "The universe may not always play fair, but it's got one hell of a sense of humor." -Sex & The City

Summary.

"I have loved to the point of madness; that which is called madness, that which to me, is the only sensible way to love."
— Francois Sagon

The. End.

I don't know about that.... oldie.

From the archives:

I’ve been afraid of changing cause I built my life around you,
How foolish....

I know I can’t live up to your expectations,

But who in the world could be that tall?

I know I’m not who you think I should be

And usually I’d say I’m just trying to be me

But these days, yeah these days,

I don’t know about that.

Who I’m supposed be; where I’m supposed to go,

There must be a reason for this lack of control.

Used to know who I was and who I needed,

And what I wanted in fact,

But now I don’t know,

Yeah I don’t about that…

The world spins out of control, but it’s still spinning.

Makes us think its all okay,

But in this world nothing comes that easy;

Finally time to stand up and say....

Hey, I’m just trying to find me.

I’m just searching for a reason to breathe.

I thought love was the one thing worth living for,

But I don’t even know about that anymore…

So there’s gotta something else...

There must be something more...

There’s a gotta be a reason to fight falling through the cracks.

But I don’t know,

Yeah I don’t about that.

This time around....

From 11/08/10

So I took my seat on the train, stared out the window into the sun and picked up the book I keep with me always and once again cracked the cover on what I have come to call my bible... the book that helped explain life, love, and me to me.

So I sit and begin and wonder what I'll learn this time....

"And every night without fail, he said a prayer for the man who'd taught him everything that mattered."

Without fail, I still do... usually without even concentrating or meaning to set time aside... every night you come to mind... and every night I feel grateful and glad for our memories and our times and our learning and growth... and most of those nights, I remember to thank God, or whoever is in charge of those things, that you exist.

I'm not sure that will ever change.

What are you thankful for?

Peter Pan.

There's so much I just don't understand about life.........

about how it's unfair, and how we make choices, and why we want things at all....

and how we put ourselves through hell for these goals and people and ideals we think are important....

and I just don't get it. Because it rarely works out... and when we finally find our happily ever after, most of us end up settled for "okay" because we've already been hurt and damaged and we come out the other side so jaded, so desperate for anyone and anything to be decent that we jump on it as soon as decent comes around...

We stop dreaming. We stop wishing.......

.....because those are things that got our hopes up and ended up hurting us and letting us down over and over again in the first place.......

I don't get it. I don't know why we all think we're the exception......... we are the rule. We are the sad, the pathetic, the lonely and the settling........ we are the majority... and we are the rule.... and though we may settle and live and call our lives happy, we are alone... perpetually lonely and forever knowing that the things we dreamed of ... the things we would have given everything for.... are still out there, being owned and lived and realized without us......

I don't understand how we're supposed to live with that.... and I don't understand why we set ourselves up and let our kids and friends set themselves up for that....

maybe we forget. maybe it gets easier over time... and maybe we hope it'll be different for someone else; better for everyone else.... maybe we think we're the exception on that side of reality too......

I don't know and I don't understand.... and I don't know how to stop dreaming or wanting or wishing for things I logically know I won't get......

There is SO MUCH I will never understand....

and if growing up is growing out of these dreams and desires and thinking that it can all work out for me....... just call me Peter Pan.

How do we go back?

I got over thinking I knew everything a long time ago... and I really really don't think I know it all, but there are so many things that make so much sense to me in theory, that I just cannot understand when they're put into practice

Maybe it's people I don't understand. Maybe they don't understand the theories and I don't understand their actions.... maybe that's it....

but no matter which way you spin it, it just doesn't seem right to me... and I don't know if I'll ever understand the way people tend to treat each other.... and more, the way people walk all over people they claim to love or care about and act as though their love is an excuse to do so.

Since when did "I love you" become a do whatever and be automatically forgiven card?

I don't think it is.

I don't think it ever should be.

Maybe I don't get it. Maybe I'm young. Maybe I'm too naiive to understand what the world is really like and what real life means.....

But if that's real life.... if that's what I have to look forward to learning how to live in........ dude- I don't wanna. I'd rather stay heartbrokenly naiive than to accept the fact that that's just the way things are... I will never choose to live in that world..... I will never be okay with the three most scared words ever strung in a sentence being an excuse to hurt or a substitute for "I'm sorry, I was so incredibly wrong"..... Never.

And I don't know, I don't know if that's the world I'm hiding from, but it sure looks like it from here.

I know there are exceptions. I know some people are pure and true and actually mean it intensely and beautifully when they say "I love you"... but they shouldn't be exceptions... they should be the rule. When did all this change? And how do I go back?

Maybe I'm just dreaming out loud, but until then.... I've got nothing left to lose....

and i dont konw much but i found you here

dont know where youre coming from but youre coming soon

come home.

Fearless

i liked it better when i was fearless- when i didn't care and didn't worry about anything

every time ive had a huge, biggest fear... it happens and i go through a small version of hell-- i'm sick of having fears to get through

when your biggest fears come true, and you come out eventually okay, eventually stronger..... thats supposed to be good right?

id rather be fearless

It's not even about having fears... it's about caring enough or caring too much to the point that life, as it happens, hurts you because you are stupid enough to let people in and then you learn to love them.... to the point where the thought of leaving them or losing them scares you to death.......

I'd rather be fearless...

Its hard being in love by yourself.

Elise needs to remember when things get tough-- "the heart is a muscle the size of your fist. keep loving. keep fighting." ...even if it feels like you're the only one in the world who is....

If you're lucky enough to know what you want and it's worth fighting for, do whatever it takes to get it... even if you are "just dreaming out loud"....

this is what i chose. this is still what i want. and now i honestly am dreaming out loud..... but at least i'm dreaming.......

i didnt think it would be this hard. i didnt think that id have to do this all alone, but its my turn to be strong. he was there for me when my whole world was crashing down (so i thought) and now its my turn. i didn't believe in me and he helped me change that.... maybe hes lost faith in love and in us, but its my turn to be here and be strong and suck it up and wait and hope and pray for things to get better. until then, i might hurt and cry and feel like giving up... but if i can get back here... bring myself back to the fact that this IS a choice and it is the choice i've made... it makes it feel better, more manageable.... not completely and utterly and totally hopeless ... even if that feeling only lasts for a few seconds....

Its hard being in love by yourself.

The secret of life is Monday Night Football

So some life advice----

Note that this is a work in progress since I'm only 21 and clearly don't know any of the secrets because if I did, I most likely wouldn't find myself in this situation...

1. Pick your battles.

There are going to be points and situations in life where you emotionally check out; it's inevitable. Decide what's worth checking back in for. Love. Friendship. Family. Everyone has their breaking point and everyone has that one thing worth fighting for... make sure you know what yours is... or find out quick because fighting for things that don't matter will exhaust you and not fighting for things that do, might actually kill you... so pick your battles and fight hard.... fight to the death.

2. Everyone will disappoint you at some point.

The people you love, the people you trust, yourself... eventually they will all disappoint you. And when those people who just get you; those ones who know you better than you know yourself hurt you... it feels like they're ripping your heart your apart, piece by piece, with their bare hands... even when you know it's coming. The trick, I guess, is to know it's coming and to trust yourself enough to know that you picked good people to be in your life and for every time they hurt or disappoint you, there will be twice as many (or hopefully more) times that they make your day or blow your mind. You have to know it's coming and in those moments after it happens, you have to remember these words and this knowledge and know that it will pass and that even when you disappoint yourself.... it will pass. Things will look up and eventually your life will be the life it was meant to be whether you want it to or not...

3. Be careful what you hide behind.

Defense mechanisms. Everyone has them, everyone sees them in other people.... all I'm saying is be careful what you choose to hide behind. There are a lot of different ways to go about this; ways to protect your heart. You can emotionally shut down; become a robot... and every time you do it, it will be easier and easier to never connect again... you can pretend that you don't believe in or want love ever again. You can get super busy and throw yourself whole-heartedly into anything but your loneliness and insecurities. You can put up walls, you can build moats, you can become a recluse and avoid situations all together... all I'm saying is that one day, your defenses will either fall and you'll have to deal with the rubble, or they'll stay strong forever and you'll have to deal with the agony and loneliness of knowing that you and you alone prevented yourself from ever letting anyone in and ever having the chance at experiencing that feeling people call love...

4. Get numb.

It's self defense too. And it's safer that way. A certain level numbness is essential to survive in high school... at work... in life. Seriously. Taking everything to heart will only lead to destruction. While it's true that a lot of people will have serious issues with this and while they have valid points, honestly, being numb at some point is the only way you get through. Imagine if you felt EVERYTHING. You hear about superpowers where they can't feel anything... imagine if you could feel EVERYTHING.... everything you think might hurt but doesn't every word that might be taken as offensive demolishes you... At some point, shutting off is the best thing you can do for yourself........... which leads me back to the point of #1 .... pick what things you allow yourself to feel and be numb to... this is tricky and seriously messes a ton of people up if not used appropriately and in moderation, myself included... which leads to #3.... be careful what you hide behind..... if you choose to be numb and you reject feeling anything for a long enough time, you might never feel anything fully again.... and that actually might be worse and far more frightening than whatever you're so scared of that made you want to go numb in the first place.

5. When you know, you know.

The best and only advice my mother ever gave me on relationships.

But I think it goes much deeper than that.... when you know you know... basically that means you should learn to trust yourself and trust your intuition. If you're feeling something... FEEL it. Feel it fully and respect yourself enough to know that you're feeling it for a reason. Regardless of if it's right or wrong or just in the moment, the fact that you're feeling it and recognizing it and can admit it, especially to yourself, matters. It matters. And at the end of the day, you have to trust yourself enough to know that feeling something means something... at least something worth exploring.

to be continued......

Is this as hard as it gets? Cuz I'm getting tired of pretending I'm tough...

its so much more than lonely

so much emptier than vacant

more constant than anxiety

and more consuming than fear

and im tired. tired of it. tired of this. tired of so many things.

and i know its time to stand up.

i know its time to fight.

but i dont know if i'm strong enough to stand, i dont know if i'm strong enough to crawl.

i want to yell back; scream at the world at the top of my lungs on top of a mountain somewhere...

but terrified is not even a glimpse into what i am and what i'm feeling. ... and i should be.

i should be this scared.

and that might be the worst part.

scared and alone. as much by choice as by circumstance.... and all those times, all those years this was what i wanted... the freedom, the power, the control over my own independence..... i didnt ever think i'd make it anywhere close to who i actually wanted to be and that self-sufficient independence was a fantastic second option.... but i was wrong. love was what i wanted all along. and i was wrong to think i'd never find something resembling it....

but its so much more than lonely. it has nothing to do with the pacific ocean this time... its much closer than that, much more concrete and immediate... much more terrifyingly present.

god help me.

Home

Well here we are at what seems to be part of the battle of the last 3, almost 4 years of my life.... here I am again in Canyon Country....

And here's what I'm realizing........

no matter how many coats of paint we put on or how many upgrades or times we rearrange the furniture, this is still the house I grew up in.

But is this is the house that built me?

No. I don't think so.

This is home.... as home as a house that isn't mine can get, I suppose. And this is where I grew up; this is where I grew. And nothing... no time, no amount of years or miles will every change that... but is this home?

Sometimes.

Is it my home now?

No.

But feeling at home..... that is the trick. That is the elusive part of life.

Of course my memories will always be here and my heart will have it's place here, but it's high time I find myself where I feel most like myself and most alive... and while it seems the stars have not quite aligned for me to experience that daily, I have found that there is a place and a life I am drawn toward living. If nothing else, that is a step.... If nothing else, that gives me hope.

Finding home is relative. But then again, isn't everything?

I am guilty. I miss the person who would read this and understand. But with that understanding, there was never any solution, only mild sympathy. I have resolution now and know that it exists. .. outside my comfort zone. Out. In reality. In the scary, but very real and very terrifying, potentially and most likely heartbreaking of places called the real world. Here I wish to reside... until love calls me home.

moving day

sitting in an almost empty room....

this is where we fell in love.

this is where it all started

and i'm here. alone. and its empty.

i miss you and i wish you were here are just not enough...

sitting alone in the room that hasnt been just mine for months... and youre a million miles away... but these are your memories too.... and i'm trying to pack them all, so safe and carefully away so we can bring them out and build more when you get back....

but theres no bubble wrap for my heart... or enough for every memory....

i miss you.

for those days you felt like a mistake...... those times when loves what you hate, somehow, we keep marching on

once again inspired by onerepublic....


i have all these words in me,

but i dont have a clue what to do with them

cant move em, cant use em

and sure cant get rid of them,

no matter how many i say

i have all this love in me

and i dont how to give it to you

been waiting, been looking

and now i'm scared to scared you off

too much love?

too much too soon.

i have all of these words and so much love in me

and i know it was meant to be shared;

it was meant for you

i was meant for you

but i dont know how

like everything else

i dont know how

if thats what i have

and those are my gifts,

please accept them with open arms

please hold me.

and love me anyway

i have no grand gestures. i have no money to buy you nice things. i dont have a talent or a passion or anything that makes me shine. but please dont give up on me.

i'm so tired of looking in the mirror and finding mascara tears....

i hear you . and i want this for me. i'm going to go find some dreams to chase. and i'll want it. and i'll do it. but here's the scary/terrible/tragic thing...... i would still give up any of those other dreams that may or may not exist for me for love. for the one dream i've always had.

puddle city

another puddle of tears that have fallen from my face.

seems like it wont ever stop; same thing every day

when did this happen?

when did i get so weak?

or was i never strong to begin with?

just good at faking it, and making everyone else believe

that i was better than this and worth something

....

when did i ignore my passions and just let them slip away

sidenote

to all of my... i've only wanted love rambles....

i have also always wanted a library or huge display of books in my house.

.... and a puppy.....

messy messy messy

its that time of day again.

it's almost 6 and you would be here, or at least on your way or almost on your way home...

it was the best part of the day, when you would come home to me...

come home to me....

i know you can't now and i know its going to be a long time and a lot more circumstances until that's the case again, but i want you to come home.

holding jack doesn't help when i'm missing you this badly... i keep telling myself that i'll see you soon, but i think thats just making it worse...

but i know i have to take it one day at a time and just get through missing you today and go from there tomorrow, but today sucks. i'm so lonely and i want you to come and ring the doorbell like you did so many days in a row

i need you come home

Who knew

I didn't really know how right I was when I said you'd never fully understand me until you read The Notebook.

That is insane. And absurd, and slightly embarrassing. And goodness, quite cliche.

But seriously- Nick Sparks dug deep on this one and created two characters that make me make some kind of sense, at least in the literary universe... the combination of these two and the love created and cultivated between them is beyond comforting, despite the pain and battles they go through. The fact that in their craziness and insecurities and paths through life, somehow I found a connection to their ways of thinking and the understated moments that they shared... and that is incredible. That, I feel, is rare. Who knows?

All I can really say for sure is that the more I read and re-read my bible, the more I become completely impressed by the way those words can strike a chord in my soul and offer me a warmth that doesn't really make much sense since the story is fiction, and the story, after all, is just made of words.

I am Allie. I am Noah. I am the poet and I am young girl who sees a poet in a young man's southern soul.

... There are a million ways to read and interpret this story, as with any.... and for me, each time is different, but still unfailingly beautiful. I might be reading into things and I might be exaggerating, but I am what I am. And if nothing else (and in fact, including and considering everything else...), I am in love.

Candles.

It's frustrating....

Because I had a fun week. I did so many things and had a good time and went out and saw friends....

And none of that....

none of the moments that I was laughing or smiling or enjoying myself... not one of those moments held a candle to how I feel when we just spend the night sitting on the couch holding hands. Not even close.

That's insane.

That's frustrating.

And that's sad.

I had a great week doing all these things, but it was nothing compared to an hour watching Glee with you. And that puts me in for a really long 6 months.

"For those days we felt like a mistake; those times when love's what you hate... somehow we keep marching on..." -OneRepublic

The Bible.

I think it's time to start again on page one...

"Who am I? And how, I wonder, will this story end?"

... Romantics would call this a love story, cynics would call it a tragedy... in my mind, it's a little of both....

Here we go.

Slowly coming to terms

Nothing has changed...

I still feel the same way as that night you said to me that you couldn't believe I wasn't stupid passionate about something...

I can't either.

It hurt me then; made me feel like I was wrong and stupid and ... defective.

And I still feel that way.

I've never wanted anything that bad. I've never dreamed of an elaborate life or career or of doing anything with that much intensity.

I've never had a career goal and everything I've done, I've done because I'm supposed to or it sounded okay at the time.

I feel stupid. I feel wrong. I feel like a special breed of ruhtard...

What kind of kid doesn't dream? What kind of person doesn't dream??

I can't wrap my head around how I went so wrong on something that comes so easily to everyone else. Every. One. Else.

Even if it's a crazy dream, or an out of reach, never ever gonna happen dream, everyone has a secret ambition or dream job.

I don't.

I never did. What the hell is wrong with me?

I don't know how I can't have a passion just as much as you don't understand how I haven't found something I'm stupid passionate about...

There has never been anything in my life that I have consistently wanted to do.... not even in a dream world where I could literally do anything at any time that I wanted.... even in that scenario, there was never a-- wow I wish I was doing this or that right now...

Basketball was good... until I had to do it. And then it was no longer an escape. And even now, I don't even want to do that. It's completely depressing to not want to do anything because the things I do don't even really matter... that's how it feels sometimes... especially seeing a lot of people around me... doing their favorite things or even things they're good at. And they're beautiful. In those moments; I see nothing but intense passion and incredible beauty. That I love.

....

So I've been thinking about this and I have no answers. But I have a silly, idealized, cliche, over romanticized, fantasied connection.... All I ever remember wanting was a happy ending. I wanted that passion and all the moments that are so magical I can't even imagine them properly. I wanted to live in the lines of my favorite songs. And rest in the pages of my favorite books.

I wanted more than anything to breathe in midnight air underneath the stars and drive through fields and old mountain roads, always side by side that someone. I wanted to hear all the words poets ever invented to try to describe love and have them not be even close to enough. And I wanted to hold someone. And be held. And sit by the fire. And be. I just wanted to be. And be with someone in that silent, content, impossible way. Because when does that ever happen?

I wanted to fight and battle and come out on top, together. I wanted to watch every sunset, and feel every breeze and take in every moment with you. I wanted to dance in the middle of the kitchen for no reason and hold hands on every drive, no matter how short. I wanted to fall asleep on the couch in your arms and celebrate every day with you as if it were Christmas morning. I wanted to know so deep in my soul that there was no one else in the entire universe that could know me better or handle me better or love me any more for exactly who I was.

...My passion... my dream... is to love.

Every single day I want to love you. I wake up and that's all I think about. I want to hold you. I want to kiss you. I want to hold your hand and look into your eyes. I want to do anything I can to make you smile. Always. This is the constant.

My whole life I've wanted to love. That's my dream. And my crazy connection is once again to The Notebook.... I never wanted to take over the world or have any monuments dedicated to me. I wanted to impact the people in my life and I wanted to love so deeply and with all my heart and soul. And for me.... that has always been enough. In my head, in my heart, in the deep recesses of my soul... I have always believed that no matter what, love conquers all. And if I have love. Real. True. Love. That nothing else would really matter as much or would seem as bad... because if I had that person, together the world wouldn't look so big and scary because together, our love would be huge and so powerful you could literally see it as you walk by.

For me, love as the biggest and best part of my life would be enough. Unbelievably enough. Beyond enough.

This is what I want. Money is whatever. A job will come. But as long as I have that someone to come home to and that person to hold my hand and be beside me no matter what comes, I know I can handle anything. And I know that life will be fulfilling because I am doing what I am supposed to do with my life. "I was born to tell you I love" -Secondhand Serenade... but it's more than that. I was born to love. I was born to love you. I was built and created to be impressed by the fairytales and blinded by love in songs and poetry. But I'm also here to see the reality; to feel what everyone is trying so hard to describe. Love. For me, this has always been enough.

...

People have all kinds of crazy and dangerous hobbies and passions.... but this; for me... my passion is the most dangerous of all. It isn't about danger of dying and it isn't about taking risks to make or lose money... this is about everything. Every fiber of everything I'm worth... all rolled in to one chance. One shot. One person. One everlasting moment.

Risk.

Never did much of that either according to a lot of people.... but in reality, I'm taking the biggest risk of all; I'm risking everything I am and everything I believe in, taking the chance that what I want is there and is real and that maybe... hopefully... you're the one. You're it. You're the reason I'm here. You are every reason. And every breath. And every moment; the ones leading up to finding you and every single one since...

I am taking the biggest leap I can ever take because this is who I am. And everything I am.

Please catch me.

You always tell me to just be me; to never apologize for being who I am...

I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is who I am and what I want, no matter how childish or impossible or stupid or living in fairytale land it may look to anyone else. This is my passion, this is my choice, this is what I want out of my life.

Oh love.

It is what it is...

It's like I finally have a chance to miss him.

It's like that first week of hell all over again.

It's like those weeks we spent apart when he was still here.

It's emptiness in places I didn't know had volume.

It's what feels like endless amounts of tears.

It's nothing that can be fixed.

It's awful.

It's sad.

It's hard.

It's realizing that you would give up everything else just to hold him for a minute. Right now. For one hug. For one kiss. For one second for the memory to be enough. To actually feel him holding you again.

It's going to bed alone again, knowing you're going to wake up alone again, knowing that you have to get used to that again for the next 6ish months.

It's horrible.

It's pathetic.

It's never-ending.

It's lonely as hell.

Breakfast...

From 7/22/10:

The only argument for mornings being a good thing is breakfast... luckily I have rectified this situation by eating breakfast at all times of the day. It is now totally acceptable to have brinner, and the creation of brunch, totally a construction so 1 you don't have to get up early and 2 you can drink with your favorite breakfast foods-- it's brilliant.

So today, I decided that it's 2pm, and I want waffles. So I did it---

Yes that's butter, and yes it was delicious.

Even better- the no-drip top offered by no other brand than "Hungry Jack" ...yes there does seem to be a theme in my life (Sooo much Jack!!)... the way it didn't drip was to shape the spout in the form of a happy face.

I love breakfast- I love it waaayyyy more when I eat it whenever I want, aka not in the morning.

Urg.

don't think i don't notice

and don't think i don't see

the little changes you're making

the subtleties you're hoping will get to me

and they are...

but i have to stay strong-

at least a little bit

gotta protect myself some

even if this is really it

of course i love you

and of course i want to work it out

but i'm nervous and i'm scared

i can't do this if there's a doubt

i need to know somewhere else;

somewhere deep.

i need to be so sure

on a level i don't even know if i can reach...

or i could take a chance on you that this is right-- i can take the chance i was begging you to take. the chance i am begging you to take...

Mornings still suck

But now when I wake up I realize... it's not that panic, terrible, bad vibes, something is really wrong feeling....

it's just the lonely dread of another day without you...

Tonight was better....

Strawberry Shortcake sounded good.... and somehow made me feel better.

I decided not to question it... and just added more whipped cream.

Today was hard.

Today was hard.

Last night I was strong when you told me things I didn't necessarily want to hear. But this morning, I was messy. And I cried. And I freaked out and wrote an epic...

and all day I waited and wondered if it was too much and if I was too much and if you would read it...

Today was hard.

We went to Sammy's... where we had our first real date. When you sat on the same side of the table as me and paid for my dinner.... and let me go in the book store! And then we went to fro-yo, ate in your car and then came home and watched Blades of Glory.
You asked me as we drove by once if I remembered that that was where we had our first date-- I remember it all. And I remembered it all, all over again today, but this time, without you... this time I couldn't smile at you and then thank you with a kiss.

Today was hard.

And I went to Vons and I saw the sunset in that parking lot again and I saw the spot we always parked in, where we had epic conversations and I saw the tiny apples from when we compared apples to apples and I took that picture on my phone ...and God did I miss you.

Today was hard.

Today I realized that as much as I'm asking you to trust me and take a chance on me and talk to me.... I have to let you breathe. I have to trust you. I have to take the chance and have the faith that you know how much I love you, even though words will never be able to do that even a tiny shred of justice. And I have to have faith in fate and believe that you will calm yourself down, you will take care of yourself and you will know that I am here for you 100% when you're ready.

Today I realized I can't make you ready. And I can't suffocate you until you are.

I have to trust that you are the man I think you are and that you'll come to me and you'll want to come to me when you want to and when you need to.

I have to believe that you will figure things out on your own and that you'll be okay. And soon.

Today was hard.

But I have to believe that tomorrow, even though it's Monday, will be better.

When tomorrow comes...

I know that life will go on... and I know that I will make it through today.... because you're already in tomorrow.

And you making it to tomorrow means that tomorrow will come to me too... and by then you'll be in the next day, so that one will come too... and the world will keep spinning...

And when that magical day comes when tomorrow is the day I get to see you, I will be glad to face tomorrows with you again instead of having faith that they will come because you've already been through them

Tid bits...

Random one-liners or so that popped into my head then onto my phone and now will show up here....

I tried desperately to memorize your every move, but my memory ain't what it used to be.

I'm just looking for a place to stay-- I was hoping it could be your heart. I've been running, I've been searching, and I'm tired of wondering why nowhere feels like home... but you. Can I stay in your heart and rest there? Make a home and a life there?

It's the little things-- a surprise text or picture, fixing my toothpaste, pouring my coffee and leaving room for milk

If I could find the words, I'd probably still be afraid to say them... hanging on this moment til I scare you away...

Get into a routine just to hide the monotony.

Screaming 'I love you' in my head. I wonder if you can hear it as I hold your hand, trying to pass my thought into you through this simple touch...

I think of The Pact when I think of this... Chris says that he holds her and makes love to her, not knowing the best way to give her pieces of his own soul to patch hers...

Mornings are the hardest.

For a million reasons, and these days a million more.

Waking up in general... but now waking up alone. Waking up with no one there.

Waking up and checking facebook to see when he went to bed and when he last updated and knowing that he's asleep for at least the next huge chunk and most of your day.

And today, having chatted for 10 min at 4am when he was exhausted and I was asleep; waking up to a few pictures posted... seeing his face ...

almost made it worse.

Knowing just days ago, I was the one holding him; that face was in my hands. That bruise on his arm wasn't there, and now I wonder what he's been doing.

Only a couple days ago I would have been the one in pictures with him.

And I was the one who went with him to get the longboard and it was something we did together.

And now, this morning, I have to get up. I have to shower. I have to eat. I have to go to class.

I have to let him sleep and I have to know that he will get to me when he can. And I have to know that he misses me even though he can't tell me every single moment I'm thinking it.

I know it's not his job to make me okay. I know he can't.

But nothing can really... not yet. Just have to adjust...

but the mornings.... when there really is no one else and there really are about 12 more hours until I might, MAYBE be able to hear from him. Maybe. Those are the moments that it feels like nothing can help.

Holding my giant dog that smells like him makes me feel less alone, and that he wants me to be thinking of him... which dear God, I am...

I hate mornings. I hate mornings without him. I hate knowing that I have to get used to this.

This is leaving...

7/10/10 about 1am

We knew for a while this day was coming,

But it just dones’t stop the pain.

For days on end now, trying to be fine,

Fighting the tears, trying to hide from the rain

We knew.

We knew long before today,

But it didn’t matter; I had to love you.

This was simply a matter of fate.

Missing you doesn’t explain it,

Wanting you won’t cut it,

Trying to use these words to explain life’s mystery…

Words just can’t do it.

Its moments like that that you can’t hold him tight enough

You can’t kiss him long enough or hard enough to get your point across

It’s moments like that you realize what life is about.

“I want you”, never more true.

And I’m wanting you now

And needing you too,

There’s nothing like a moment like that to make me feel how much I love you

And I do.

I have.

I will.

I have to.

It's Time to Try Something New

I've been thinking about this for a while and I think that I know myself very little, but at the same time, well enough to know that writing things out helps me get through them. Especially now since I can't drink for a while and that was my life plan for August... it seems writing is going to have to help more than it used to or has in quite a while.

Here's the plan.

Write it out.

Everyday, as best I can.

No edits.

No wondering if I should or shouldn't feel one way or another.

No being concerned if it makes me sound crazy or desperate.

Or if I'm wrong.

Doesn't matter.

This is going to be messy, it's going to be random, probably really dark at some times, sometimes stupid, sometimes mushy as all hell- but that's life.

That's real.

And that's what I'm trying to find again.

I know that some days I'm going to cry. Some days I'm going to cry because I'm not crying and think I should be. Some days I'll be crying and smiling at the same time and some days I might not even be able to see straight through the pain or darkness.

So be warned.

This is not for anyone but me and the attempt at my sanity, though I am in no way discouraging reading further... I'm just saying-

No more being careful.

If words are my wand, then why not use the power I've been given.

No more editing.

Real and messy. And probably disturbed.

Here goes the journey of what I think it is I might be feeling.

Ready?

1,2,3 Go!

Tired.

I am tired.

I am tired in a way that sleep can't fix. I am mentally exhausted. I am emotionally drained. My brain is fried. And I am tired.

I have done this to myself and life has done this to me. I have put myself in positions to stress out probably more than I need to and now, regardless of how I got there, I am in a place where there is little to no sanctuary.

Everywhere I look or try to turn, there is something new, something else for me to handle, to think about, to fix. And I'm so tired.

Even the things I find comfort in, or did, are now wearing me thin and are the very reason I cannot move, paralyzed by their absence.

This only leads me to beat myself up for becoming this; for letting myself get this way, for inviting myself to get this way...

And I'm tired of fighting and defending at the same time. Constants battles within self are more exhausting than fighting someone else.

I hate that I feel this way and I hate that I have become this desperate, internally crazed person... hating myself for caring this much and letting that take over everything else.

I am so tired.

And all I want is to lie next to you and not sleep a wink, memorizing every moment, every breath, every second that we have left.

I'm tired of feeling so much and for thinking I can out think that or talk myself down from it.

Contain

I want to go back to when love existed in Disney movies, books and my parents' hearts.

Maybe with it contained it wouldn't be so hard to understand.

Maybe it would.

Two.

I have two ideas in my head; there is the incredible dominant feminist power job with my ridiculous salary and my sweet flat and my puppy and my life in the city. And then there is me in love.

All I have ever wanted for my life has been love.

I know this is juvenile and probably narrow-sighted, but ... it's all I've ever wanted.

I don't know how to have both; I don't know how to have either.

You know that song by Brad Paisley, "Waiting on a Woman"... I don't really think that's very valid. Yes, men tend to have to wait on their women to get ready for a date or when they take their time shopping and there are those of us who are just perpetually late for everything.... but let's be honest-

We have been waiting on men our whole lives. Perhaps our leisurely lateness is just a tiny touch of payback for the years upon years we have had to wait for men.

My personal life has been filled with nothing but waiting on men... since as far back as I can remember. Let's, for a second, forget the obvious waiting for Mr. Right, and think about the real world:

I spent high school waiting on my basketball coach-to make choices, to give orders, to teach.

I spend my days now waiting to hear from my guy or my guy friends, seeing what might be going on tonight.

I spend my evenings, ready, sitting, waiting, for those guys to come over or to pick me up; waiting on invitations, or on schedules, or just waiting on time.

I have spent my Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays battling and visiting the Undergrad Admissions Office, waiting on Kevin to reappear, to get healthy, to get my paperwork from upstairs, to actually do what he said he was going to do.

Aside from those current dramas---

I have been waiting my whole life for one guy to prove to me that they're not all the same.

I've been waiting for a nice guy, I've been waiting for someone who will be there, I've been waiting for someone who will handle me, I have been waiting for someone who will bring out the best in me.

I waited for the magic, I waited for the weak in the knees, can't breathe moments...

But now I'm waiting on the love, I'm waiting on the promise, I'm waiting on forever. And I'm pretty sure I'll be waiting forever for my forever...

I have to.

It's day like these- days when spring is finally here and the weather is damn-near perfect, so majestically warm, with a cool breeze at exactly the moment you seem to need it. Smelling the freshly bloomed honey-suckle on days like this take me back.

That is an understatement.

They say that smell is the only sense that is truly connected to your memory... and I firmly believe that, because today I was swept away; I was 4 years old again and the world was 2 blocks wide. I was back to playing in my grandparents' backyard with my sister and walking up to Grandma and Grandpa's for dinner, taking in that sweet honey-suckle smell.

That was the life. I had no worries, no serious concerns, hardly, in fact, a serious moment. I can't say for a fact that I remember everything exactly, but what I do remember was magical. There is nothing quite like the early memories of childhood when the entire universe could become condensed into one backyard, one game, one moment that lasts for hours.

So on this entrancing day, I came to realize a few things...

My idealized version of life and love really does need to change. I realized that just because you have love in your life, does not mean that the rest of life becomes paradise. And as much as you might feel like there might really be, a little fairy is not actually following you around, sprinkling you with dust, making you shine on the outside as much as you are inside. Life doesn't stop for anything... until it stops for good.

The point is, just because you feel like mush half the time and can't think about anything other than the mushy aspects of your life, that certainly does not mean that you can let, or even want, everything else turn to mush.

I have recently come to find myself envying young mothers, thinking that I just want to start that happy, adult phase of my life, where things will be easier because I'll have things figured out: the guy, the job, the path... but I don't know what on earth I was thinking. That life, if I choose to lead it, will not be easier. That will be real. More real than, hey you actually need to work hard for the first time in your life; that will be- hey you better have the best plan ever and 3 amazing backup plans because life is soo much bigger than you ever thought it could possibly be. That's not even mentioning all the work and time and effort it will take to get there.

So what is at the bottom of this??

I no longer can pretend that life is peachy and rosy and will all just work out for me because it has in the past. I will work hard, because I HAVE to. I have put myself in a place where I no longer have a choice. And as paralyzed as I feel in my life right now... I have to keep moving.

Life is hard. Living is harder.

Jake: "It's funny... it's very funny. And it's a lot of fun, too, to be in love... I don't mean fun that way. In a way it's an enjoyable feeling."

Brett: "No... I think it's hell on earth."

Jake: "It's good to see each other."

Brett: "No. I don't think it is."

Jake: "Don't you want to?"

Brett: "I have to."

-The Sun Also Rises, Ernest Hemingway

I'm in every kind of trouble...

Can't you tell? Just look at me.

....

Really though.

Overwhelmed isn't cutting it these days.

My Head Feels Like A Blender.

Do you ever get one of those... what are they calling them these days? Ah-ha moments? Anyway, you're sitting there and all of a sudden, you just get an epiphany that you were meant for something. That you were meant for this particular thing.

Ever talked to a relative? Particularly an older one? My grandma, who might be one of the best people I will ever be lucky enough to have in my life, always told me that she was meant to be a grandma; that's why she was here.

Like most things in my life thus far, there has not been such a moment for me. I do things by process of elimination... well I know I don't want this or that, so I guess this other thing is probably the way to go.

Here's what I'm thinking right now:

I was never meant to fall in love.

I know that sounds cynical and ridiculous and incredibly over-dramatic. But I'm not far from truly, truly believing this one. I don't think it was made for me. And I think my potential lies in being hurt from it, hunting for it, and seeing it everyday in a million different forms. I was meant to describe, to inspire, to explain, to be amazed... but not to demonstrate.

I wasn't meant for the ultimate greatness because I will never believe it. I am hooked enough to be obsessed with it, but I would never let it happen to me because anything that was not in a book, movie, song, or poem wouldn't be enough; good enough, true enough, pure enough.

The truth and the worst part of this is that I know that NOTHING is like that. Nothing is cut and dry and nothing is simple.

I don't know if I believe in ah-ha moments. I don't think that epiphanies last for more than a week or so... I don't think I believe people when they tell me that I'll just know... maybe for them, they just knew their life path, their soulmate... but me? I overthink and then I overthink my overthinking... I live in a disturbingly cyclical mindset that really doesn't allow me to accept anything at face value.

...

i don't want to take it slow; i want to fling myself off the deep end, but i know that if i fall, and there is no magic, there is no love to catch me... i will land face-first into my stupid and uncomforting logic.

To jump or not to jump... that is the question...

That is the question that does not have to be answered today or any time soon.

Breathe kidd.

One day at a time.

It's your life, why rush yourself through it?

One.

"Someday I'll find the words"....

Someday I'll find the moment,

Someday I'll find the one.

Some.

Day.

Some day, I will be able to explain what I feel and mean what I say and bring you into this life I lead, much more intimately than any words thus known can describe...

My words, MINE, not the words of past poets or note-worthy dignitaries; MY words, my explanations... my own voice and spirit, heard undeniably through the seemingly mundane letters.

I may not even be known for this; I certainly do not anticipate being the next Hemingway by any stretch of the imagination... but you, you will know because you will hear it. Because it is all about you. Every moment; every word since I remember forming them has been about love and therefore about you.

There is no "One."

There is no one.

But there is you. You are enough.
And NOT in a settling, regretful sort of way, but in the most passionate and ridiculously impossible sort of way that makes zero sense even as I try desperately to explain it.

There is you.

And somehow, albeit magically, there is me;

And by God, or perhaps someone even more powerful's grace, there is a we.

You are every reason and every moment; good and bad.

My world has been about love from day one. And you are enough.

You are enough for ever. And for always. And on the days that find me at a loss for words, you will hear my heart, and on the days that my heart is darkened, you will see into my eyes and into my soul and while you may not know why or what or anything about what's going on... you will understand enough because you understand me.

You will be patient with me and you will keep me level.

And you will be the reason I make any sense at all.

"I want the world to see you be with me" -Train

I don't know what else there is. And I don't know what else there is to want.

There is me. There is you. Somehow, there is a we....

And at this point, who are we to stand in the way of ourselves??

The situation makes no sense, but we make each other make sense, so shouldn't that mean something?

For now....

for this moment....

There is one boy and one girl.

"One boy, and one girl; two hearts beating wildly..." -Collin Raye

"Standing together in this angry world... one boy fighting for one girl..." -Shenandoah

For now... nothing is certain, but everything is real. Where we go from here is no longer in our control.... and I am trying so, so intensely to be okay with that and to stave myself off from trying to define anything or put pressure on myself to define anything, but at the end of the day... I am me and my life is, frighteningly, out of my hands right now....

Then again,

Sometimes, the things that are out of our control are supposed to be.........

Why I hate mornings-

I can still feel where you held me, I can still feel your body next to mine and I can still smell you on my shirt, even after all this time.

Waking up with you so fresh in my mind, waking to an empty bed...

"Take Another Little Piece of My Heart Now Baby"

You just have to throw you heart out there and see which dog attacks it.

Honestly- it's not a choice... your heart is yours to give away, sure, but it isn't always who you pick that matters. As we all know, some all too well, there isn't much you can say to rationalize why you want to be with someone even though you hardly know him or your friends advise you against it.

It just doesn't matter.

There is a peculiar internal discourse that somehow enables our rational minds to think that they know better than any feeling or inclination that we may have.

Somehow it seems that logic=truth in some minds, mine included... but the more I think about it, the more that seems absurd. If logic was the end-all, be-all, then feelings would have been rendered obsolete and things like sensitivity and crying and yelling and any other form of passion might indeed be deemed insanity; unnecessary displays of radical emotions, as if a mentally ill person just escaped from an institution...

Luckily, or unluckily as it may turn out, this is not the case.

It matters that I cry and scream and feel and want... it matters because love matters.

It's quite ridiculous to believe so intensely in something that can neither be defined nor proven... religion at least explains away things people don't/didn't understand and serves a purpose as a directed faith and a place to turn to when the world just isn't fair.... but love.... love makes no sense.

Think about it. What does love do for us?? Supposedly, it completes us; makes us unequivocally happy... but I've been happy before... It also wrecks us. Unrequited love might be the single most intense nonphysical pain that ever existed, although I can't be sure.

But this love idea... it gives us something to hope for, to obsess over, to pine for, to build our lives around; it creates a system of want and need that is so universal it is constantly exploited in books, movies, advertisements, you name it... yet we keep coming back. We keep trying to define it and more than that, we keep up the hunt. We don't want to stop looking and we certainly don't want to stop believing that it exists and we can't bring ourselves to consider that it could be an exaggeration or even a wish of a poet or a dream of a painter... we believe in it with all our heart... which is interesting in itself... where does emotion live? If you get a heart transplant, does your soul get replaced too? It seems the answer is no... so why the heart? Why do we want to give it so bad and although it is the strongest muscle, it seems so fragile.... or is that just our mental state?

There is no easy way to wrap your head around this and this conversation could go on for days on end... but the point of it all is whether or not emotions outweigh rationalization.

For me, who am I to stop myself from things that I want? I am 21 years old... how much wisdom about my future or any future could my rational mind have obtained when I wasn't paying attention?? Do I honestly know better?? How could I?

This is how we learn. We make mistakes because at the time, that is where we led ourselves...heart or soul, it doesn't matter. Let yourself be led by you. Go with it, wherever you end up, know that at the end of the day, you wanted it or thought it was right for you. There is no shame or blame in either of those.

We learn. We grow. We have to. There is no easy way. There is only the way we choose. And we are the only ones who can choose it.

There is no advice for the middle, but maybe there shouldn't be. This is where we learn and make mistakes and become who we are meant to become. The middle is where all the passion lies that makes the end worth it.

"Life, he realized, was much like a song. In the beginning there is mystery, in the end there is confirmation, but it's in the middle where all the emotion resides to make the whole thing worthwhile."
— Nicholas Sparks (The Last Song)

... Back in the Beginning...

We'll see. It always starts off like this, doesn't it? I don't care and we're just friends and we always know better. And the good ones start slow... slow and smooth with unwaivering comfort and calm. Hardly a hint of interest of any kind, then slow, subtle clues, seeing if you're sharp enough to catch it, to see what it really means. More and more there are subtle bets and requests and hypothetical plans for the future... we'll see. As always, we'll see how it goes. There is always the sneaking thought that this one could be different. And this actually could be right and nothing else will matter. But what is there now except mindless fantasies, feelings of impending doom and heartache, and subtle messages waiting to be explored? There is only time.

So we'll see. Play it cool, play it safe, but play to win, whatever the hell that means. I'm just looking for the right way, I'm looking for the answer, without ever asking the right questions.

"I'm just looking for a happy ending.... all I'm looking for is you." -Jack Ingram

The truth is a secret that no one knows and only time can tell.

Change---- from the beginning

Everything changes.

Change is hard.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Change isn't always a bad thing.

But people don't change. Have I? Will I?

Growing up is one thing, obviously I know a lot more about things now than I did even just a few years ago... but what am I learning and will I ever learn?

It's heavy. This feeling isn't quite as familiar as I thought it would be.... but I still know it well. The impending fallout... the chance for a few months of careful strategy and the looming potential for something beautiful and rare, but there is always a catch so you try to protect yourself, but it doesn't matter. You care. From the first time you hang out and the first moment you crack up at the same time because of the same thing, you're hooked, you're done. And from there it really doesn't matter who they were to you, because now, they are someone to you. And you care what happens and you worry and you want to be one of the people they think of on those lonely days, as they desperately try to fill the hours with anything.

I make you come just to watch you leave.

Right before those moments of ecstasy, when you find yourself almost in a trance of passion… where you aren’t entirely sure who’s where or doing what or if they world is even still turning because all you can see and smell and feel and hold is real and is good and is about to unleash some sort of brilliant beast within you that you haven’t summoned in so long, you were sure it had long since left the premises.

And as that moment comes, you almost black out- you remember it all of course, but never with the appropriate amount of intensity fit to explain what just happened. And it feels like an out of body experience that you remember being there for… it is a trance. It is an experience. And it can be summoned. But when and how often and by whom?

I need it now.

You feel it coming- any moment now…. On the brink, right on the edge of something amazing…

"I make you come just to watch you leave." -All Time Low

Oh essay writing... so strikingly similar to unrelated things...

It's High Time...

Get out of the way.

Move.

Breathe.

LIVE.

Do something everyday that makes you feel alive or is a step toward getting what you want.

Work.

Workout.

Feel good about yourself and the life you're leading.

Wear dresses.

Buy boots.

Write about life everyday.

Take the chance of putting yourself and your innermost thoughts and passions on the line. You'll never know how great you can be if you're afraid of being shut down.

Live for you again.

Live in everyday, real ways to make you feel alive.

Remember that YOU CAN. You have before.

Make friends. Take those chances and break out of your comfort zone that hasn't been comforting for some time.

Let the words in books and music move you the way they did when you fell in love with them. Each time. Every time. Over and over again.

Remember that "the body thrives when the heart has a mission."

Make happiness a mission.

Do good.

Be real.

Exist in a big way.

Don't be afraid to be noticed, you know that's what you've wanted all along, but were too afraid to admit to yourself.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us most..."

Or in this case, not inadequacy, but the fear that I was meant to be brilliant and am and no one else in the world will ever fully see it or understand it. And the fear that that most definitely makes me egotistical, selfish, and quite possibly insane.

Don't let that stop you.

It's high time you started living the way you want to. Everyday. Without excuse. Without fear. Without wondering what else there is.

Find it.

Find you.

Find happiness.

Cali Love.

"This ain't a threat, but I think I better warn ya- gonna fall in love if you go to California..." -Train

Come to Cali. Move to SB. It's okay if you choose him over me; I've been through it before.

I know you won't want to, not at first, but eventually, I want you to know that it's okay. I'm going to try to be okay with whatever happens because I am so enjoying the time now and having you in my life, come what may. And yeah, that sucks and yeah, I really don't want that to happen, but it happened before and good, forward-moving things came out of it for me. Things really do happen for a reason. So bring it on world...

But for now, I'm enjoying our moment; this moment.

How long is a moment- as long as the feeling lasts... as long as the feeling doesn't change or go away, same moment.

I love this moment. And I thank God for bringing the people into my life that he/she has and for removing others.

Fate has a thing about not being ignored, so I'm not really worried about ending up where and who I'm meant to end up with... I'm just trying to enjoy everything along the way and everything along this road leading me... wherever.

So follow your own heart and philosophy and gut and go down your own road... and thank God for the moment our roads are the same, or at least running parallel. And enjoy that moment, savor that moment when you find someone not only on your same road, but that moment when you look over and you see that person riding shotgun.

Come to California. Fall in love all over again. Fall in love forever.