Summary.

"I have loved to the point of madness; that which is called madness, that which to me, is the only sensible way to love."
— Francois Sagon

The. End.

I don't know about that.... oldie.

From the archives:

I’ve been afraid of changing cause I built my life around you,
How foolish....

I know I can’t live up to your expectations,

But who in the world could be that tall?

I know I’m not who you think I should be

And usually I’d say I’m just trying to be me

But these days, yeah these days,

I don’t know about that.

Who I’m supposed be; where I’m supposed to go,

There must be a reason for this lack of control.

Used to know who I was and who I needed,

And what I wanted in fact,

But now I don’t know,

Yeah I don’t about that…

The world spins out of control, but it’s still spinning.

Makes us think its all okay,

But in this world nothing comes that easy;

Finally time to stand up and say....

Hey, I’m just trying to find me.

I’m just searching for a reason to breathe.

I thought love was the one thing worth living for,

But I don’t even know about that anymore…

So there’s gotta something else...

There must be something more...

There’s a gotta be a reason to fight falling through the cracks.

But I don’t know,

Yeah I don’t about that.

This time around....

From 11/08/10

So I took my seat on the train, stared out the window into the sun and picked up the book I keep with me always and once again cracked the cover on what I have come to call my bible... the book that helped explain life, love, and me to me.

So I sit and begin and wonder what I'll learn this time....

"And every night without fail, he said a prayer for the man who'd taught him everything that mattered."

Without fail, I still do... usually without even concentrating or meaning to set time aside... every night you come to mind... and every night I feel grateful and glad for our memories and our times and our learning and growth... and most of those nights, I remember to thank God, or whoever is in charge of those things, that you exist.

I'm not sure that will ever change.

What are you thankful for?

Peter Pan.

There's so much I just don't understand about life.........

about how it's unfair, and how we make choices, and why we want things at all....

and how we put ourselves through hell for these goals and people and ideals we think are important....

and I just don't get it. Because it rarely works out... and when we finally find our happily ever after, most of us end up settled for "okay" because we've already been hurt and damaged and we come out the other side so jaded, so desperate for anyone and anything to be decent that we jump on it as soon as decent comes around...

We stop dreaming. We stop wishing.......

.....because those are things that got our hopes up and ended up hurting us and letting us down over and over again in the first place.......

I don't get it. I don't know why we all think we're the exception......... we are the rule. We are the sad, the pathetic, the lonely and the settling........ we are the majority... and we are the rule.... and though we may settle and live and call our lives happy, we are alone... perpetually lonely and forever knowing that the things we dreamed of ... the things we would have given everything for.... are still out there, being owned and lived and realized without us......

I don't understand how we're supposed to live with that.... and I don't understand why we set ourselves up and let our kids and friends set themselves up for that....

maybe we forget. maybe it gets easier over time... and maybe we hope it'll be different for someone else; better for everyone else.... maybe we think we're the exception on that side of reality too......

I don't know and I don't understand.... and I don't know how to stop dreaming or wanting or wishing for things I logically know I won't get......

There is SO MUCH I will never understand....

and if growing up is growing out of these dreams and desires and thinking that it can all work out for me....... just call me Peter Pan.