Don't mock my dreams.

There is nothing else.

There is no light.

There is no magic; no day of reckoning.

There is nothing we don't create.

And we create for ourselves.

I have created change.
I have created opportunity.

And I am proud.

I am thankful.

I am the same.

There has been no shift.

Maybe I don't want there to be.

Maybe I'm just not being bold enough; maybe I'm copping out.

The question once again is: what do I want?

If I knew the answer I might not be here... I might be anyway...

I don't know what I want. I don't know what I want out of this trip, I don't know what I want out of life....

Oh shit. Maybe I do.

I don't want to be lonely anymore.

I think that's it. I think that's all there is to life.

As much as I like being alone and on my own... I don't want to be lonely.

I want someone to have, to hold, to be with. I want security and strength and faith. I want it now. I want it always... not necessarily with the same person... but I want it.

And so a choice needs to be made. I am convinced, that if I made the choice to be a slut here, I could be. Guys want sex everywhere... but if I make the choice that I don't want just that... I put myself out there and I open myself up to hurt. Clearly not the best option for the time... but can I do anything else?? I don't know... I guess I should find out, eh?

"You have your reasons, Lord, I have mine..." -Augustana

I do have my reasons, but the passion behind them is fading... I need to stop getting comfortable. I need to go out. I need to get out.

...

But I did.

I ran away.

I hope it was enough.

But let's be honest... half way around the world isn't far enough to run away from everything. The past follows you. It haunts you. You need it. And the faster you run, the harder you crash into it.

It's time to own up.

It's time to step up.

It's time to be .... anything but what I am.

"Yeah I know that everyone gets scared, but I'll become what I can't be" -OneRepublic

I'll become what I can't be.

I can't be.

I won't be.