8 and counting...

So much on my mind and so little to write.



Kayne is a douche-sicle. Beyonce is an angel. T Swift... is T Swift. Enough of current Hollywood drama events.













So if this is my immeidate future: watching old movies like Steel Magnolias and drinking wine on the weekends... shoot me. If it takes a couple decades to get back here... be jealous.





Honestly- I can't get enough, I can't feel enough, I can't breathe deep enough to soak it all in. How do you revel in the moment? There's only so much you can do.



I don't want painful goodbyes. I want a hug.

"I can't hug you on the phone so hurry home." -Jason Michael Carroll

I want a hug; I want the comfort while I can get it. And I want to be missed; not in a sad way, but in a glorious, man, she is a joy to have in my everyday life way.

Maybe it's too much to ask.

Maybe it's just enough.



Everything in moderation.

But where's the line?



I want. That's all I am. Ever. Wanting.

And wanting in both the modern and the old English sense. I am wanting; I am desiring. But I am also lacking. I am lacking the love that I so desperately long for. I am ready now. Ready for the adventure. I am ready to be pushed; to be tested. I am ready to jump and I am ready to fall.



I am fearless. No. Not yet. I am trying to be. I have a daily reminder now. I look at and I don't think of fearless... I think of redness. I think of itch. I think of how it's going to look once it's healed. And sometimes I think of Taylor Swift's definition of fearless... and why I can't memorize it. It's close. It's so close to how I would define it... maybe that's why. It's not mine.



And now it's 2am and I can't think. I can't focus and I feel like trash, like I have for days. Maybe it's the hour; maybe it's the wine. Maybe it's that I can't figure out what's bothering me.

It should be easy; hello I'm leaving for 3 months. But no, I'm not freaked out... not really. I'm more excited; more ready to run away. At least more apt to run than to deal. Who's the hypocrite now?



It's not supposed to be easy or obvious or inevitable. It's a battle. And at 20, all I can say is that I'm thankful that I'm young enough and strong enough to fight. I know life isn't supposed to be laid out all yellow brick road in front of me. I know that it's about finding the right mountain to stare down and eventually climb. I get that. It doesn't make me more patient. It doesn't help me out when I feel worthless and alone. But it gives me insight and it gives me hope. I know there's something to live for; to strive for.

Enough.
Will I ever find it...
I freaking hope not.

But enough for now... too much chaos to process. Standard.