Is this as hard as it gets? Cuz I'm getting tired of pretending I'm tough...

its so much more than lonely

so much emptier than vacant

more constant than anxiety

and more consuming than fear

and im tired. tired of it. tired of this. tired of so many things.

and i know its time to stand up.

i know its time to fight.

but i dont know if i'm strong enough to stand, i dont know if i'm strong enough to crawl.

i want to yell back; scream at the world at the top of my lungs on top of a mountain somewhere...

but terrified is not even a glimpse into what i am and what i'm feeling. ... and i should be.

i should be this scared.

and that might be the worst part.

scared and alone. as much by choice as by circumstance.... and all those times, all those years this was what i wanted... the freedom, the power, the control over my own independence..... i didnt ever think i'd make it anywhere close to who i actually wanted to be and that self-sufficient independence was a fantastic second option.... but i was wrong. love was what i wanted all along. and i was wrong to think i'd never find something resembling it....

but its so much more than lonely. it has nothing to do with the pacific ocean this time... its much closer than that, much more concrete and immediate... much more terrifyingly present.

god help me.

Home

Well here we are at what seems to be part of the battle of the last 3, almost 4 years of my life.... here I am again in Canyon Country....

And here's what I'm realizing........

no matter how many coats of paint we put on or how many upgrades or times we rearrange the furniture, this is still the house I grew up in.

But is this is the house that built me?

No. I don't think so.

This is home.... as home as a house that isn't mine can get, I suppose. And this is where I grew up; this is where I grew. And nothing... no time, no amount of years or miles will every change that... but is this home?

Sometimes.

Is it my home now?

No.

But feeling at home..... that is the trick. That is the elusive part of life.

Of course my memories will always be here and my heart will have it's place here, but it's high time I find myself where I feel most like myself and most alive... and while it seems the stars have not quite aligned for me to experience that daily, I have found that there is a place and a life I am drawn toward living. If nothing else, that is a step.... If nothing else, that gives me hope.

Finding home is relative. But then again, isn't everything?

I am guilty. I miss the person who would read this and understand. But with that understanding, there was never any solution, only mild sympathy. I have resolution now and know that it exists. .. outside my comfort zone. Out. In reality. In the scary, but very real and very terrifying, potentially and most likely heartbreaking of places called the real world. Here I wish to reside... until love calls me home.