Home

Well here we are at what seems to be part of the battle of the last 3, almost 4 years of my life.... here I am again in Canyon Country....

And here's what I'm realizing........

no matter how many coats of paint we put on or how many upgrades or times we rearrange the furniture, this is still the house I grew up in.

But is this is the house that built me?

No. I don't think so.

This is home.... as home as a house that isn't mine can get, I suppose. And this is where I grew up; this is where I grew. And nothing... no time, no amount of years or miles will every change that... but is this home?

Sometimes.

Is it my home now?

No.

But feeling at home..... that is the trick. That is the elusive part of life.

Of course my memories will always be here and my heart will have it's place here, but it's high time I find myself where I feel most like myself and most alive... and while it seems the stars have not quite aligned for me to experience that daily, I have found that there is a place and a life I am drawn toward living. If nothing else, that is a step.... If nothing else, that gives me hope.

Finding home is relative. But then again, isn't everything?

I am guilty. I miss the person who would read this and understand. But with that understanding, there was never any solution, only mild sympathy. I have resolution now and know that it exists. .. outside my comfort zone. Out. In reality. In the scary, but very real and very terrifying, potentially and most likely heartbreaking of places called the real world. Here I wish to reside... until love calls me home.