Is this as hard as it gets? Cuz I'm getting tired of pretending I'm tough...

its so much more than lonely

so much emptier than vacant

more constant than anxiety

and more consuming than fear

and im tired. tired of it. tired of this. tired of so many things.

and i know its time to stand up.

i know its time to fight.

but i dont know if i'm strong enough to stand, i dont know if i'm strong enough to crawl.

i want to yell back; scream at the world at the top of my lungs on top of a mountain somewhere...

but terrified is not even a glimpse into what i am and what i'm feeling. ... and i should be.

i should be this scared.

and that might be the worst part.

scared and alone. as much by choice as by circumstance.... and all those times, all those years this was what i wanted... the freedom, the power, the control over my own independence..... i didnt ever think i'd make it anywhere close to who i actually wanted to be and that self-sufficient independence was a fantastic second option.... but i was wrong. love was what i wanted all along. and i was wrong to think i'd never find something resembling it....

but its so much more than lonely. it has nothing to do with the pacific ocean this time... its much closer than that, much more concrete and immediate... much more terrifyingly present.

god help me.