My Head Feels Like A Blender.

Do you ever get one of those... what are they calling them these days? Ah-ha moments? Anyway, you're sitting there and all of a sudden, you just get an epiphany that you were meant for something. That you were meant for this particular thing.

Ever talked to a relative? Particularly an older one? My grandma, who might be one of the best people I will ever be lucky enough to have in my life, always told me that she was meant to be a grandma; that's why she was here.

Like most things in my life thus far, there has not been such a moment for me. I do things by process of elimination... well I know I don't want this or that, so I guess this other thing is probably the way to go.

Here's what I'm thinking right now:

I was never meant to fall in love.

I know that sounds cynical and ridiculous and incredibly over-dramatic. But I'm not far from truly, truly believing this one. I don't think it was made for me. And I think my potential lies in being hurt from it, hunting for it, and seeing it everyday in a million different forms. I was meant to describe, to inspire, to explain, to be amazed... but not to demonstrate.

I wasn't meant for the ultimate greatness because I will never believe it. I am hooked enough to be obsessed with it, but I would never let it happen to me because anything that was not in a book, movie, song, or poem wouldn't be enough; good enough, true enough, pure enough.

The truth and the worst part of this is that I know that NOTHING is like that. Nothing is cut and dry and nothing is simple.

I don't know if I believe in ah-ha moments. I don't think that epiphanies last for more than a week or so... I don't think I believe people when they tell me that I'll just know... maybe for them, they just knew their life path, their soulmate... but me? I overthink and then I overthink my overthinking... I live in a disturbingly cyclical mindset that really doesn't allow me to accept anything at face value.

...

i don't want to take it slow; i want to fling myself off the deep end, but i know that if i fall, and there is no magic, there is no love to catch me... i will land face-first into my stupid and uncomforting logic.

To jump or not to jump... that is the question...

That is the question that does not have to be answered today or any time soon.

Breathe kidd.

One day at a time.

It's your life, why rush yourself through it?